Encouraging myself

I read two things today that profoundly influenced me and I want to post it on my blog so I don't lose it.  Because I will definitely want to read this again.  Good stuff.  Hope it helps somebody besides me.  (is anybody even reading any of this???)
“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Second piece of mind-blowing material for the day is an email from my counselor which was a response to my saying I feel depressed when I'm alone.

I think that, given time, you will embrace being alone.  While I love people, I really look forward to my private time.  The whole concept of needing to be with people all the time is a Hollywood myth.  Especially when it comes to romance, you have seen the difference between what Hollywood sells and reality.  See if you can convert some of your alone time from feeling needy to feeling empowered.  Spend some time meditating, and see if it begins to liberate you.

The depressed state is what the Chinese call "excess yin".  It slows down everything, including the physical metabolism.  When that happens, you stop being active, stop burning energy and start gaining weight, which is even more depressing, which starts the cycle over again.  You want to infuse a little "yang" into your life!  Do you have a bicycle?  or do you like to walk?  A good idea is to bike or walk for about a half hour every day.  Perhaps you can bike or walk to the store (or other close errands) rather than drive.  If you can get out in the sunshine for a few minutes a day, that would be great.  You could convert your lunchtime at work to a walk time perhaps.

We tend to evaluate ourselves by either what we do or what we have.  But we are "human beings", not "human doings" or "human havings".  Now is the time to go within and really discover who you are - when you do, you'll see that you are a wonderful, pure, kind, saintly being.   Eventually what you do and what you have will just be a natural "side effect" of who you are.

MMM....  rich stuff.  Tops my day off with whipped cream and a strawberry.  (yes, strawberry.  Eww on the marachino cherries!)

Farewell Francisco

My husband is gone.  Per my request.  I have so many mixed emotions.  I desperately wanted our marriage to work, but it was doomed from the get-go.  We didn't get married for the right reasons or out of love, and we weren't even compatible in the remotest sense.  I regret hurting him.  But I knew I had to separate us in order for me and my children to find happiness and peace in our home.  So priorities, priorities.... But here is a song for you, Juan Francisco Lopez.  I will always love you because you gave me two beautiful children.  That was the greatest gift of all.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I’d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Closing that chapter.  Here opens a new chapter, full of hope, awe, inspiration, excitement and a serious adrenaline rush.

The Fat Suit

ok I've had another revelation.  I love these revelation things!  They are life-changing!  I am fat because I am intimidated by myself.  Don't write me off as a complete nut-job and recommend they get a strait jacket for me.  Not yet.  Let me explain. 
Growing up, beauty was discouraged in our home.  I don't hold it against my parents.  They were doing the best they could.  But in their attempts to keep us from being snobby, stuck-up, selfish people, I lost my ability to respect myself for who I am.  I respect everyone else.  Just not me.  I sacrifice my needs for yours.  That's commendable to a certain extent.  But when it starts negatively affecting your health, your relationships, your opinion of God, your ability to land a good job, etc., it becomes a problem.  A big problem.  Pun intended. 
So over the years as I suffered rejection in other areas (hearing loss, loss of friends, inability to gain the attention of an available fella), I protected myself by putting on layer after layer of... fat.  Yep.  It sounds ridiculous.  But how many people do you know that are depressed and wish their lives were different and they're fat?  Obese, overweight, suffering from all the maladies that come with excess weight.  Why is it that people who are genuinely happy with themselves and with their lives are energetic, lively, healthy, skinny people?  Well, maybe not always skinny, but they're definitely not overweight.  It seems like a correlation that shouldn't be ignored. 
Anyhow, in my case, in my years of protecting myself, I have packed more and more cushion into my fat suit until I can barely move. So now I've gotta change my way of thinking. 
I am worthy of being beautiful.  It is not evil to be beautiful, it won't make me selfish and self-centered.  It won't make me mean and insensitive.  The preposterous notion that I will be like this when I'm skinny is absurd because I ENVY skinny people!  I wish I was like them!  And I don't think they're selfish and insensitive!  (well, unless they actually are.  But I don't blame it on their being beautiful.  Unless they give me good reason to do so)  I am beautiful in my spirit and God made me a lovely bonita, loaded with His blessings, and I deserve to hold my head up high and be confident in my role as His princess daughter, deserving of what all lovely royal princesses get... royal treatment!  A healthy diet, lots of fresh air, the occasional facial and mani/pedis, and of course bubble baths.  :)  I think I'll have one of those tonight....

                                            

Name-changing

So I finally told my dad about this blog last night. He asked me what Becoming Freedom Dance meant. I said, "that's what I want my new name to be". U should have seen his face. It was comical, he looked so confused and maybe a little weirded out lol! But name-changing is nothing new. In fact, God changed names all over the place in the Bible. Some of the names were picked by others, but God was responsible for many of them. Changing a name establishes a new identity. It represents a drastic change in ones life, whether it be good or bad. For me, it separates me from the old life of bondage and shows that I am destined for a new mission in life. Here's a few old favorites from the Bible. Abraham, Sarah, Jacob, Joshua, peter and Paul. Some lesser known are Daniel, Naomi, Gideon, Esther and Joseph. A few years ago, a prophecy was spoken over me by a spiritual man I have confidence in. He then told me that God has his own special name for me and I should ask him to share it with me. After a few moments of silence and meditation just sitting in the presence of God He told me very clearly "Dance Warrior". I felt like this tied in with my Indian roots and I could identify with it. I fight my battles through music. When deciding to change my name in a public way I knew I couldn't go by Gods name for me so I modified it to Freedom Dance. Because freedom from sin and all the bondage, walls, criticism, wrongful condemnation and fear is what I'm following hard after. So there. Now u know... the rest of the story. :)

Learning What Happened

I have thought a lot today about the Church of God that I grew up in and the way it influenced me and my generation, most of whom either responded the way I did or worse.  I have realized that the religion was forced upon us, rather than taught to us.  It was given to us like medicine-take it or die.  It was so black and white.  There was no room for personal growth, individual understanding, or a gentle tolerance and patience with each other.  Even worse, the voice of the Holy Spirit was stifled and squelched into non-existence because we were expected to obey the authorities without question.  Their word WAS bible, and how dare anyone question it.  There was no room for compromise or negotiation.  This caused us to be helpless and weak, unable to make sound decisions on our own, or it turned us into cynical, rebellious, bitter souls, unable to find peace within ourselves, God or mankind.  This is a sad, heartbreaking result of a religion that seemed to be holy, yet was so wrong.  When the authorities disagree with each other, it causes the people to become dissatisfied in relying solely on what their authority tells them what to do.  How can they be so right if they disagree with those of their own level and position of power?  When people leave the Church, they either go all the way to the extreme-anything goes.  Or they learn to think critically for themselves and search for Truth on their own, discovering a true, intimate and powerful relationship with God.  Or they may go to the extreme of relativism, and then come back to the middle, seeking what is right, honest, and good.  I went to the extreme, I will admit.  Now I've come back to the middle because I do want to know God for myself, and not in the light that He was portrayed to me in-a harsh, unforgiving, overbearing God that expects me to be perfect... something I'm definitely not.  No, I'm discovering that He is a forgiving, passionate, kind, gentle God that wants what is best for me, wants to provide for my needs, support me, guide me, and lead me all the way home to Him. 
Speaking of home, I really would like to stay here and not move across country to CA.  I don't know if that's a possibility but I can dream and pray and hope.  I have a lovely home on the hill, close to my parents and siblings, a steady job and a great piano job....  We will see what transpires over the next few days as my family life sorts itself out. 

Tearing Down Walls

I have had a profound truth revealed to me by God Himself.  He is my strength, my fortress, my stronghold, but I don't let Him be because I've built all these walls that I rely on to protect me.  I will call the walls out by name, so that the devil can be cast down and God can be exalted.  I have built a wall because I'm hearing-impaired.  This wall protects me from rude comments and weird looks.  I hide behind it in my insecurity of being "abnormal".  I have a wall that's labeled "being a Storts" because my dad always said I was cursed with the Storts fat gene.  I have blamed my overweightness on my genetic makeup, and made this wall a joking matter.  A third wall has been erected in honor of being homeschooled and an unkissed virgin until the age of 30.  My lack of social skills, my ungracefulness when opening my mouth to speak, my general sense of not belonging anywhere, my unhealthy fear of being alone, have all been blamed on these two happenstances in my life. The fourth wall is titled "being a preacher's kid".  My unreasonably high expectations of myself, and the expectations I think others have of me, are blamed on being a preacher's kid, a notorious preacher, and I was the piano kid put in the spotlight, which doubled the pressure of being perfect.  And to cap the four walls off with a roof, just to make sure I was real good and protected, I built a roof of cynicism, from a lifetime of failed friendships, romantic interests dissolved into smoke, men that used and abused me, a childhood church that rejected me, and a failed marriage recently added to the list.  
But guess what?  I don't need these walls and roof to protect me, to be my strength, to shield me from further hurt and tears.  I have all that I need inside me, because GOD Himself dwells within me!  What an amazing thought!  That means all the power, strength, courage, bravery, and grit of the universe is in me, therefore I don't need anything else.  Me and God, we make a fantastic team.  I am strong.  I am brave.  I am courageous.  I possess all that I need to be whole, healed, beautiful, full of love and peace.  So I no longer hold walls up around me.  When you see me, you see the real me, not the glimpse of me hiding behind some insecurity.  The real me holds her chin up high and her chest out, her eyes full of life and peace.  Because God goes before her, God is in her, God surrounds her.  And she is safe, secure, at ease.  She has found her resting place.

My Religion

I will establish here what my religion is because apparently people think I'm running away from God, and ignoring all I've ever learned.  Which is the furthest thing from the truth.  What I AM leaving is the religion that is dead as a tomb, making its people whited sepulchres.  Pure on the outside.  Dead on the inside.  The religion that preaches deliverance, but its people are still bound.  The religion that teaches love, but its parishioners daily disrespect each other.  The religion that says they're a lighthouse set up on a hill, but no one is drawn to them, or worse, even knows about them.  They say Jesus heals, but the pews are loaded with the sick, hurting, and wounded.  It's a shadow of the real deal, a mirage in the desert, a glimpse of what could/should have been.  Who honestly thinks I want to be a part of something that promises a million bucks but passes out pennies?  Uh... not I. 
This is what I pursue, live, breathe, and am.  Love and peace.  Call me a tree-hugging hippie.  I honestly don't care.  If you think I'm a hippie because I live a religion of love and peace, then you are exactly what I described in the prior paragraph.  Allow me to remind you what the Bible says about love and peace. 
³⁴A new commandment I give unto you: that ye love one another, as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
       ³⁵By this shall all men know that ye are My disciples: if ye have love one for another."
⁹Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
       ¹⁰Have kindly affection one for another with brotherly love, in honor preferring one another;
 ⁸And above all things, have fervent charity among yourselves, for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.
 ⁷Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God, and every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God.
   ⁸He that loveth not, knoweth not God, for God is love.   
   ⁹In this was manifested the love of God toward us: that God sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
       ¹⁰Herein is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
       ¹¹Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
       ¹²No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and His love is perfected in us.
       ¹³Hereby we know that we dwell in Him and He in us: because He hath given us of His Spirit.
       ¹⁴And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Savior of the world.
       ¹⁵Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
       ¹⁶And we have known and believed the love that God hath for us. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
       ¹⁷Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the Day of Judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
       ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
       ¹⁹We love Him, because He first loved us.
       ²⁰If a man say, "I love God," and hateth his brother, he is a liar. For he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
       ²¹And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loveth God love his brother also.
¹⁸And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of those who make peace.
 ⁷And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
¹⁴For He is our peace, who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us,
 ²¹"Acquaint now thyself with Him, and be at peace; thereby good shall come unto thee.
¹⁴Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord,
⁵⁰Salt is good, but if the salt has lost his saltness, with what will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another."
¹⁴Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
¹⁸And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings and in quiet resting places
¹⁹Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and the things wherewith one may edify another
 ³Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee.
²⁷"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
 ¹⁸If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
³³These things I have spoken unto you, that in Me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world."

Amen and amen.