Regarding the Church of God as I knew it

This is a written statement of forgiveness to all those in the Church of God who wrongly accused me of sin and rebellion and turned their backs on me. I thank you for doing that. Thank you for showing me what I had known for years but couldn't admit to myself- the church as I knew it had become babylon and full of false doctrine made by man. Your rejection liberated me to find the true meaning of spirituality and intimacy with God. He never rejected me. He never left me. He never turned His back on me. So I am now seeking people who are like Him- people who follow hard after love and peace and righteousness, not condemning and cutting down one another but edifying, encouraging, building each other up. That is love. I pray for those who have been blinded by their religious doctrines that they see the hypocrisy of their ways before death strikes. May they discover the love and peace of God that passes all understanding. I do not speak of all who go to the Church of God. Some are true and trying to live right. This is not a blanket statement intended to condemn all members of the COG. Those I speak of knows, or will soon know, their own wickedness and falsehood. Thank you for setting me free. I rejoice to not be one of you anymore. The hurt of your rejection no longer stings. I have forgiven you, and I am released to fly in the freedom God has bestowed upon me.

The Healing Art of Honesty

I haven't posted in awhile, which I regret.  I have been in much pain and very exhausted.  But tonight I would like to blog even though my thoughts are scattered to the farthest ends of the earth.  I have decided to move to California.  I have found a coach there that will help me reach my fullest potential and achieve ultimate healing.  That means taking Dominick away from his grandparents and his cousins.  That thought breaks my heart.  I have been mulling this over and over and over again in my heart and mind, for months.  I've decided this is what is best for us.  Right now.  I only pray someday they will forgive me and will understand why I did it.  I told my husband today that I will be moving.  He didn't like it much, of course.  But I believe this will be better for him than he realizes.  I asked him to use our time apart to work on himself, find truth and peace for himself, while I work on me.  I want to be the best mom I can possibly be to my children.  I hope he can find the strength to have the same drive and goal.  I am not exactly sure when the move will occur.  Sometime in the early part of 2011, perhaps January, perhaps March.  It just depends on how the universe opens up the way for me.  All I know is that I must plan and prepare myself for it.  I do know I need to make that long of a trip before my third trimester. 

Speaking of which...  I had an interesting chat with my ob/gyn today.  I discovered after the birth of my first child (via C-section) that my uterus is heart-shaped.  I found that interesting but after today's discussion with the doc, I'm fascinated.  It REALLY IS heart-shaped!  My new doctor specializes in uterine abnormalities, and says that I have a bicornuate uterus. "Only the upper part of that part of the Mullerian system that forms the uterus fails to fuse, thus the caudal part of the uterus is normal, the cranial part is bifurcated. The uterus is 'heart-shaped'".  (taken from Wikipedia)  So in essence, this restricts the baby's ability to move, to turn head-down, or to grow to full-term.  I knew Dominick was a still, calm child, but I never fully understood why until now.  This type of abnormality only occurs in 0.1-0.5% of women in the U.S.   There is a high risk that it can abort itself because it doesn't have enough room to grow, but that's if it starts growing at the top of the uterus.  So for those of you who are reading this, please pray that this little baby girl of mine (or boy, but I really think it's a pretty pink girly-girl) can grow to at least 35 weeks.  That's when Dominick was born, and he was perfect in every way.  And because I love her and I want her to be comfortable, please pray that she grows face-up so that she can have plenty of room for her spine to develop right.  I really do appreciate your love, concern, positive energy and prayers that you are pouring into her right now. 

where i'm headed

Generally, when u take a long road trip (which I love doing!), u have a pretty good idea of where you're headed and how u are gonna get there. If you're smart, u take a road map with u so u can stay on course even through detours, bad weather, bathroom stops, and that quick stop at whatever sight has caught your eye. My destination is ultimate health and my road map is the things I want to achieve along the way. When I've achieved them all, I'll know I've made it. So here is the list of things on my road map. This provides a clear picture of where I'm headed and where I'll be when this journey is at its end.
I will be pain-free.
I will have abundant energy, able to meet my needs, my family's needs, and the needs of others.
I will have such clarity of mind and focus that I will be in tune to what others need.
I will have turned all my negative thoughts into positive ones, and exude peace and love on a consistent basis.
I will be in control of my own life.
- will have financial freedom, stability, and optimum wealth.
I will be able to support my parents financially, help those in financial need, and pay back those who have helped me.
I will enjoy maximum health in my new healthy size. No more plus-size stores for me!
I will be able to buy the clothes I want, in my size, wherever I want.
I will be a good dancer. Especially in bellydance.
I will face my fears and try surfing, skating, skiing, everything that has to do with falling down... I will face it.
I will enjoy a genuine intimacy with the man that chooses to win my heart. An intimacy free of shame, embarrassment, and distrust. I will wear a bikini. And look good in it.
I will be on Americas Got Talent.
And I will be a motivational speaker someday.

Changing a Thought

"Everyone wants a better life; it starts in the heart and ends there also."
The following paragraph is an excerpt from a book I am reading.  It is written by Christopher Hansard, titled The Tibetan Art of Positive Thinking. 
If you constantly think in a negative way, you shorten your life span.  Relationships become fearful and problems increase.  You lose your ability to discover joy in simple things.  This creates further negativity.  Life becomes complicated.  Negativity adores all thats that are overly complicated.  Complication conceals negativity, keeping it safe from exposure.  You get so caught up in the complications that you lose sight of the underlying negativity that is creating the problems.
I had a change of thought yesterday.  I would like to share it with you.  The pastor at the church where I play piano said last Sunday, "I don't drink alcohol anymore because I can't just stop at one.  Most people cannot simply stop at one.  You need another, and then another, and then another.  Before you know it, you are drunk.  And that is when it has become sin.  So I choose not to drink because I know my limitations."  I thought to myself, "Well, I can have just one drink and be satisfied.  I don't drink to get drunk, and when I did get drunk, it was on purpose.  I decided a long time ago I don't like to get drunk.  But it's easy for me to stop at one drink.  Why am I stronger than him in that area?"  God enlightened me yesterday while I was thinking about his words and my responsive thoughts.  "Tammy, that is his weakness.  It is not your weakness.  Your weakness is food.  You get drunk with food.  That is the way you drown your negative thoughts.  But it is the same strength.  The strength you use to avoid drunkenness is the same strength he uses to avoid being a glutton."  I thought to myself, "Ah!  I already have the strength!  I just need to utilize it in eating as well as in drinking.  It's no different.  I drink to enjoy it, not to abuse it or abuse myself.  So should I eat to enjoy, not to abuse it or to abuse myself."  It was a liberating change of thought.  I already have the strength.  Changing the way I view food is not an impossibility.  It is a complete possibility, and I already have the tools to do it with.  So today, I ate well.  I ate with heart, and I enjoyed every bite of it.  But I did not overdo it, I did not stuff myself, eat mindlessly or selfishly.  I ate til I was satisfied, and it was a far more delicious feeling than having stuffed myself to the gills.  I, Tammy Marie, am in control of what I eat now.  Food no longer controls me.  YES!!!

the faces of healing

So what does an extreme makeover consist of? I don't believe I can just change one facet about me and that would be sufficient. I get the gut feeling this makeover is going to go a lot deeper than that. Its going to affect every facet of my life, who I am. Spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, even sexually... I am one entity even though there are multiple parts that make up the whole Me. If I lose weight, it would affect me mentally, right? If I change the way I view myself, food, and why I eat, that would affect my weight. Yes? If I change my financial state, would it not affect me emotionally? Gosh, to not be so stressed all the time... I might feel like a brand-new person. If I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, perhaps I would have some energy to romp around in bed and actually enjoy it... Imagine that! So I accept that this makeover is going to influence every part of my life. But change begins with thought. And that is what my next blog will be about. The power of thought.

Opening my mouth

I have been silent long enough.  I have been level to the ground long enough.  Now is my time to rise above all the things that hold me down.  Now is my time to become the person I was created to be.  I can no longer use excuses or hide behind past hurts.  I am no longer required to bow down to people's expectations of me.  No one but God can know the fullest depth of my potential.  And only God knows just how short I fall from maxing out that potential.  I have an inkling of an idea, but God knows it ALL.
   So now is my time.  I embrace it.  I eagerly look forward to the challenging, but promising, future.  Not looking back.  Not looking down.  My chin is held high.  My gaze is steady.  My eyes are on the mark.  I have survived the storms, and I'm coming out strong. 

   When everyone saw the worst in me, Jesus saw the best in me.  And He SINGS over me!  When my closest friends and family turned their backs on me, gave up on me, said I would never amount to anything, Jesus saw the best in me.  I could never, and will never, let go of that kind of Love. 

Brutal Honesty

I am in a broken marriage.  There is no trust or respect left.  We both have broken our wedding vows, and our marriage has become an empty, bitter shell of a dream.  I am in a constant state of poverty, barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.  I have maxed out my loaners, and I've ran out of alternative options.  I am bankrupt.  I have lost most of my friends, when I used to name hundreds of people I called friend.  Now I count them on one and a half hands.  Spiritually, I have been burnt to a crisp.  I have been scorned, accused and beaten down by the ones I thought were closest to God.  Nevertheless, God has not let go of me.  Even in my darkest hours, His comforting voice keeps reassuring me, "It will be all right".  I cling desperately to that promise.  My health is that of a 60-year-old woman.  My chiropractor says I have severe reverse curvature of the spine and it's shaving years off my life.  Add to that I'm 120 lbs overweight....  It hurts just to stand up.  I am in constant pain.  I can't remember the last time I actually felt good.  Of course, all of the above has greatly affect me mentally.  I have put little stock into what I think.  I constantly question and doubt myself.  My thinking has a big "overcast" sign on it.  Then someone asked me the other day, "If you could not fail, what would you attempt to do?"  Oh, did my brain take a joyride!  And you know what?  GOD says I'm worthy.  HE made me the head, not the tail.  He put me above, not beneath.  So I'm going out to get my inheritance.  Don't even think about stopping me.  This chick can kick butt.