Protecting Myself

My second grade teacher was a hateful, ugly thing that had no patience for hearing-impaired children who had a hard time understanding instructions.  She was my first exposure to hateful words, and I had no idea how to protect myself.  Instead, I internalized her words and made them truth.  When I told my parents about it, they didn't tell me she was wrong, or tell me how to defend myself the next time.  My mother even overheard the teacher and didn't intervene.  I got a different teacher, which is only correcting part of the problem.  Or perhaps that was the problem.  Running away from conflict instead of confronting it.  My piano teacher was a cruel master who loved to ridicule and make fun of his pupils.  I found out years later that I wasn't the only one he picked on.  But what 8 year old girl can be called a stupid little street urchin every week and not wonder if it's true? 
That's where my biggest wall of all began to be built- the wall of self-protection.  It distorts my view of reality, it has hindered my development and adjustment as an adult, hinders my ability to be happy, causes marital discord, poor friendship patterns and poor health (according to psychiatry research).
And yet, when I tell my family I want to get professional help and break down these walls and gain my health back, they completely flip out.  My brother prophesies I'll be completely ruined within 5 years, my sister says I'm like two devil-possessed people in the bible, my dad has my car repossessed, and my mother says I need to leave my son with her.  Well, that was confirmation.  I knew they weren't a support system for me, never have, and probably never will be.  That's ok.  I can find one, develop one, make one of my own.
My song for the day is Perfect Peace by Laura Story. 

Say close by My side
Keep your eyes on Me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when i say

I will give you perfect peace

And you’ll never walk alone
And you’ll never be in need
Though i may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in me
Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let me bear your load

Cause i will give you perfect peace
Stay close by my side
And you’ll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on me
And you will never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that i will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace