I'm finally back!

   This past year has been a wild ride, and I apologize for the lengthy time between the last post and now.  I have a beautiful 8-month-old baby boy, Emmanuel Sterling.  He's sweet, energetic, lively, cuddly, and incredibly adorable.  :)  I'm a very proud momma of the finest two boys I know.  Dominick is the best big brother, and is always making Manny laugh, comforting him when he cries, shares his toys and gives lots of hugs.  Manny adores Big Brother Dom, and they are going to be inseparable lifelong friends.  I already know. 
   Francisco and I are still together and still growing, learning, adapting, changing, hopefully always for the better.  I have gained much insight the past few months on true love, and what it really means to love and be loved.  Most of our world bases love around physicality, how fast the heart races when one is near, how easy she is on the eyes, the way he makes her feel, etc.  But love is far beyond all that.  Real love is a partnership to which two caring people are deeply committed.  These people share many basic values, interests, and goals.  They tolerate good-naturedly their individual differences.  The depth of love is measured by the mutual trust and respect they feel for each other.  Their relationship allows each to be more fully expressive, creative, and productive in the world.  There is much joy in shared experiences both past and present, as well as those that are anticipated.  Each views the other as his/her dearest and most cherished friend.  Another measure of the depth of love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote the growth of the relationship and the deepening of intimacy.  Associated with real love are feelings of serenity, security, devotion, understanding, companionship, mutual support, and comfort.
   A classic example of this agape kind of love is Tony Robbins and his wife, Sage.  In the recent interview with Oprah, it was clearly obvious they had this amazing, beautiful, rich, deep, boundless love for each other, stemming from the mutual respect that agape love thrives on.  It made me cry, watching them interact.  It was beautiful beyond words. 
   Looking back on my life, I can see that there has been one common thread running through it.  A dominant thread that ran through all my major decisions, affecting the outcome of my life and the direction of the course I have taken.  It all boiled down to one preeminent desire- to love and be loved in return.  Not having loved myself, it was impossible to make healthy decisions because my desire to be loved was selfish and unquenchable.  I have finally embraced the gift of love- for myself, for God, for all humankind, for nature, and for Truth.  And it has completely and radically changed me.  I no longer binge.  I no longer sleep all morning.  I no longer sit in the chair all day watching the world pass me by.  I no longer resent my husband's inadequacies. I no longer hate myself and everything about myself.  I no longer avoid the Truth or the Light.  I no longer starve myself.  I no longer abuse any part of my life.  I have found a balance in everything I do and say.  And it is the richest, most profound gift I have ever received and given forward. 
   I now have a burning desire to teach women how to love themselves, how to embrace the gift of who they are.  We are all unique, special, worthy, beautiful, and irreplacable in our own ways.  Until we learn to accept our flaws and celebrate our assets, until we discover the art of forgiveness and the power of love, we will never be the mothers, wives, and leaders that God created us to be.  The ability to be a diva, a princess, a queen, is there.  We simply need to open our hearts up, let the Light in, stop lying to ourselves, forgive and forgive and forgive, and rise up to be called Blessed. 

Discovering the Magic of Love

A girlfriend of mine has been struggling with her relationships with men.  I shared this newfound understanding with her today.  I love the lesson that I've learned the past couple days, and I want to make sure I include it in my journal. 

When a man completely adores you, can’t get enough of you, and does everything he can to hold onto you, that is something special.  Hollywood makes romance out to be something that it SO is not.  Men are rarely the svelte, suave, sexy gentlemen that we want them to be.  It takes us women to polish them up to that level.  J  And to be honest, it goes both ways.  We can be bitchy, and you know men don’t respect that.  It takes time, patience, working out differences, communicating, and learning how to compromise to get that bitchiness out of us.  That’s when we become princesses our men are willing to fight for.  Romance never happens overnight.  That’s silly infatuation.  True love is cultivated and developed.  It can be a holy nightmare, but if you stick to your guns and you determine to fight for the connection you know you could have with him, then the rewards begin to FAR outweigh the pain and struggle.  You start discovering the completeness, unity, and oneness that love brings.  And that’s the sweetest thing in the world, to be one with someone else.  To have someone on your side, no matter what.  That’s delicious.  :)

Francisco, thank you for standing by me through all this crazy mess.  You are definitely being polished into that jewel I always knew you were under all that tough skin.  I love you more and more with every passing day.  Thank you for helping me discover what Love truly is.

The Miracle of Love and Forgiveness

I may have lost a lot of friends through all this, but there is one person who refused to leave me alone.  And that was my husband.  Even though I had left him, even though I told him I wanted a divorce, he never stopped loving me.  Thursday evening God opened my eyes and showed me that HE had worked a miracle in Francisco's heart.  His guard was down, his heart was open towards me, he wasn't defensive and trying to protect his ego, he was sweet, understanding, patient, kind, and gentle.  In that moment of enlightenment, all the old hurts were cast from the east to the west.  They didn't even matter anymore.  I forgave my dear Cisco completely in that instant, forgave myself for giving up on him, and God replaced that bitterness and pain with love.  Wondrous love.  Forgiving, unconditional love.  I'm in awe.  Completely stunned.  I finally feel like I'm actually married.  To a man I will always cherish.  These past 2.5 years have been the rockiest, most painful years of my life.  But God has promised me He will restore those years and the positive, happy days will far outweigh those years in no time. 
I also want to include a thought to those that think I'm wrong in rehashing my past and blaming my failures on those in my past or on past experiences.  There is a quote I want to share with you from a book I've been reading called The Thinker's Way. 
"Most serious problems do not appear suddenly; they develop gradually over time.  In order to understand fully the present incarnation of your problem, it is helpful to identify its point of origin and trace its evolution.  Just as pulling out a weed without extracting its roots fails to kill it, so trying to solve a problem without understanding its history often leads to results that are only temporary."

Losing the Fake Friends

Announcing my move to CA has been shaking ground to prove who's my friend and who's not.  It's become amazingly obvious.  The ones who genuinely care about me say they are praying for me, supporting me, will miss me, wish I could stay but understand why I'm going, hope to see me move back someday, gives me their mailing address and any other method of staying in touch, they cry, and they get my back when someone talks bad about/to me.  The fake friends are glaringly different.  They say I'm making the most stupid decision of my life.  They stop talking to me and cut me off.  They get really defensive even though it may have nothing to do with them.  They twist everything I say.  They cut me down in public and try to make me look the fool.  They say if I don't do what they say, then I'm disobeying God.  They try to control me and every aspect of my life, and then sickingly use religion as a cover-up.
I shed off the fake friends and I cling onto the real ones.  I don't need your fake friendship.  If you can't love me the way I am, believe in me, support me, hold me up, then I don't need you.
A friend of mine had my back yesterday after a long-time "friend" of mine called me bitter and loopy, among some other hurtful, hateful things.  I normally like to speak for myself on my blog, but what she said was so deep, profound, and RIGHT, I have to share it here. 
"

i disagree. i don't sense bitterness, but rather, the dissipation of bewilderment. when you are raised under a certain moral & cultural understanding, your world view is undeniably shaped as such (if it wasn't, why would people attempt to "...raise" children under them?). if something rails against that mindset as the result of life experiences, the incongruity can cause friction at worst, a confusing fog in need of lifting at best. to say it is a "tired old excuse" when it is an area of legitimate self-actualization is unnecessarily trivializing someone else's truth. admittedly, decisions you made after you became cognizant of personal responsibility are yours and yours alone, but the fact that it's because of that moral/cultural world view you were raised with has some culpability. it's not a mutually exclusive set of factors. you very well may have been a victim -- when it comes to injurious deception, i suspect the term is relative to the situation/person. to recognize where something comes from and what it translates to in your life is enlightening. knowing who you are and how you got here help you figure out where you're going -- also quite enlightening. but that doesn't mean it should completely define you or provide you with an anchor that excuses stagnation. grow from it and attempt to keep it from happening to you again. forgive yourself for what was your fault and forgive douche bags that call you "loopy." i think the child-like, unassuming nature you possess and the purity of mental processing it provides for in you are some of your more admirable qualities. apparently so does jesus. if that makes anyone sad...that's on them.  e. e. cummings has a famous quote:

"...Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single
human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think
or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: but the
moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.

To be nobody-but-yourself—in a world which is doing its best, night
and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." 

 

If you are a real friend of mine, thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Please don't stop believing in me.

The Deepest Hurt

Losing my car is nothing compared to losing the love, trust and respect of my father.  That hurt goes deeper than anything.  I always thought that he was my friend and would support me no matter what.  I have been proven wrong.  Daddy, I will always love you.  But you have lost sight of what Love is.  I hope you realize it before you die.  In time you will see I'm ok with being who I am, being independent of my parents and dependent on God.  You don't see that now because you think you've lost me.  But you haven't.  I will always be your baby girl.  Always.  I just choose to not live your lifestyle.  I choose to follow a different path to God.  Don't cut me off or take it personal because I made that decision.  The way I look is of vastly less value than the values I carry in my heart.  And I carry love, peace, and all the things Jesus came to bring us.  When you choose to let go of your religious rules and you open your eyes to the goodness that is in me, you will see that we are actually on the same path.  You just can't see that now.  I pray someday you will.

Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
'Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting You totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of Your love fear's gone away
Can you imagine me?

Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

Protecting Myself

My second grade teacher was a hateful, ugly thing that had no patience for hearing-impaired children who had a hard time understanding instructions.  She was my first exposure to hateful words, and I had no idea how to protect myself.  Instead, I internalized her words and made them truth.  When I told my parents about it, they didn't tell me she was wrong, or tell me how to defend myself the next time.  My mother even overheard the teacher and didn't intervene.  I got a different teacher, which is only correcting part of the problem.  Or perhaps that was the problem.  Running away from conflict instead of confronting it.  My piano teacher was a cruel master who loved to ridicule and make fun of his pupils.  I found out years later that I wasn't the only one he picked on.  But what 8 year old girl can be called a stupid little street urchin every week and not wonder if it's true? 
That's where my biggest wall of all began to be built- the wall of self-protection.  It distorts my view of reality, it has hindered my development and adjustment as an adult, hinders my ability to be happy, causes marital discord, poor friendship patterns and poor health (according to psychiatry research).
And yet, when I tell my family I want to get professional help and break down these walls and gain my health back, they completely flip out.  My brother prophesies I'll be completely ruined within 5 years, my sister says I'm like two devil-possessed people in the bible, my dad has my car repossessed, and my mother says I need to leave my son with her.  Well, that was confirmation.  I knew they weren't a support system for me, never have, and probably never will be.  That's ok.  I can find one, develop one, make one of my own.
My song for the day is Perfect Peace by Laura Story. 

Say close by My side
Keep your eyes on Me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when i say

I will give you perfect peace

And you’ll never walk alone
And you’ll never be in need
Though i may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in me
Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let me bear your load

Cause i will give you perfect peace
Stay close by my side
And you’ll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on me
And you will never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that i will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace

Buddha or Jesus

Apparently, there seems to be a concern that I am turning towards Buddhism with a humanistic viewpoint at the helm of my ship.  I understand the concern.  But I will take the time to disprove this thought for the sake of those who care to read my blog, but more importantly, to take power away from the nay-sayers.

Buddha and Jesus Christ are either put on the same level or one elevated above the other in many religious circles.  I will state my personal belief, along with facts.  Buddha was not born of a virgin.  Jesus was.  Buddha never healed anybody, raised anyone from the dead, or claimed to be God or the son of God.  Jesus did.  Buddha did not bring himself back to life after dying at the age of 80 from a combination of old age and food poisoning.  Jesus prophesied his coming back to life after 3 days in the grave, and did so.  Buddha did not claim to be a divine being, only claiming to have divine aspirations, attempting to rise above this world through meditation and attain the ultimate level of peace.  Jesus said He was from heaven, and became one of us in order to save us.  He did not attempt to rise above this suffering world.  He became a part of it in a sacrifice of unconditional love.  I may admire one for his attempts to better himself, but the other I worship and adore.  He was perfect and without sin, and He died so that I might have life. 

There were times when Jesus told someone to “heal themselves” because He needed to see if the person was willing to do the work rather than just looking for a free hand-out.  Jesus could easily instantly heal me of my reversed spine, my low self-esteem, my paralyzing fear of being true to the plan God ordained for me at point of conception due to receiving disapproval from family and friends, and all the other things that hold me down.  But Jesus has told me to heal myself.  So I am discovering the truth of what GOD thinks of me, separating myself from what the church and family thinks of me.  Their influence and viewpoint of me has been negative and devastating to my development.  I am rising above that and seeking the truth.  That is not humanistic.  That is being spiritually enlightened.  I know that a man cannot direct his own steps.  We all need a higher power to aid us on this path of life.  So I look to the Highest Power of all to guide me into all truth, understanding, wisdom, and enlightenment.  He will not steer me wrong.  Men do.  God never will.