my essence

my essence
fire and wind, the essence of me

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Losing the Fake Friends

Announcing my move to CA has been shaking ground to prove who's my friend and who's not.  It's become amazingly obvious.  The ones who genuinely care about me say they are praying for me, supporting me, will miss me, wish I could stay but understand why I'm going, hope to see me move back someday, gives me their mailing address and any other method of staying in touch, they cry, and they get my back when someone talks bad about/to me.  The fake friends are glaringly different.  They say I'm making the most stupid decision of my life.  They stop talking to me and cut me off.  They get really defensive even though it may have nothing to do with them.  They twist everything I say.  They cut me down in public and try to make me look the fool.  They say if I don't do what they say, then I'm disobeying God.  They try to control me and every aspect of my life, and then sickingly use religion as a cover-up.
I shed off the fake friends and I cling onto the real ones.  I don't need your fake friendship.  If you can't love me the way I am, believe in me, support me, hold me up, then I don't need you.
A friend of mine had my back yesterday after a long-time "friend" of mine called me bitter and loopy, among some other hurtful, hateful things.  I normally like to speak for myself on my blog, but what she said was so deep, profound, and RIGHT, I have to share it here. 
i disagree. i don't sense bitterness, but rather, the dissipation of bewilderment. when you are raised under a certain moral & cultural understanding, your world view is undeniably shaped as such (if it wasn't, why would people attempt to "...raise" children under them?). if something rails against that mindset as the result of life experiences, the incongruity can cause friction at worst, a confusing fog in need of lifting at best. to say it is a "tired old excuse" when it is an area of legitimate self-actualization is unnecessarily trivializing someone else's truth. admittedly, decisions you made after you became cognizant of personal responsibility are yours and yours alone, but the fact that it's because of that moral/cultural world view you were raised with has some culpability. it's not a mutually exclusive set of factors. you very well may have been a victim -- when it comes to injurious deception, i suspect the term is relative to the situation/person. to recognize where something comes from and what it translates to in your life is enlightening. knowing who you are and how you got here help you figure out where you're going -- also quite enlightening. but that doesn't mean it should completely define you or provide you with an anchor that excuses stagnation. grow from it and attempt to keep it from happening to you again. forgive yourself for what was your fault and forgive douche bags that call you "loopy." i think the child-like, unassuming nature you possess and the purity of mental processing it provides for in you are some of your more admirable qualities. apparently so does jesus. if that makes anyone sad...that's on them.  e. e. cummings has a famous quote:

"...Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single
human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think
or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: but the
moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.

To be nobody-but-yourself—in a world which is doing its best, night
and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." 
If you are a real friend of mine, thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Please don't stop believing in me.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Deepest Hurt

Losing my car is nothing compared to losing the love, trust and respect of my father.  That hurt goes deeper than anything.  I always thought that he was my friend and would support me no matter what.  I have been proven wrong.  Daddy, I will always love you.  But you have lost sight of what Love is.  I hope you realize it before you die.  In time you will see I'm ok with being who I am, being independent of my parents and dependent on God.  You don't see that now because you think you've lost me.  But you haven't.  I will always be your baby girl.  Always.  I just choose to not live your lifestyle.  I choose to follow a different path to God.  Don't cut me off or take it personal because I made that decision.  The way I look is of vastly less value than the values I carry in my heart.  And I carry love, peace, and all the things Jesus came to bring us.  When you choose to let go of your religious rules and you open your eyes to the goodness that is in me, you will see that we are actually on the same path.  You just can't see that now.  I pray someday you will.

Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
'Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting You totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of Your love fear's gone away
Can you imagine me?

Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again