my essence

my essence
fire and wind, the essence of me

Friday, December 10, 2010

Regarding the Church of God as I knew it

This is a written statement of forgiveness to all those in the Church of God who wrongly accused me of sin and rebellion and turned their backs on me. I thank you for doing that. Thank you for showing me what I had known for years but couldn't admit to myself- the church as I knew it had become babylon and full of false doctrine made by man. Your rejection liberated me to find the true meaning of spirituality and intimacy with God. He never rejected me. He never left me. He never turned His back on me. So I am now seeking people who are like Him- people who follow hard after love and peace and righteousness, not condemning and cutting down one another but edifying, encouraging, building each other up. That is love. I pray for those who have been blinded by their religious doctrines that they see the hypocrisy of their ways before death strikes. May they discover the love and peace of God that passes all understanding. I do not speak of all who go to the Church of God. Some are true and trying to live right. This is not a blanket statement intended to condemn all members of the COG. Those I speak of knows, or will soon know, their own wickedness and falsehood. Thank you for setting me free. I rejoice to not be one of you anymore. The hurt of your rejection no longer stings. I have forgiven you, and I am released to fly in the freedom God has bestowed upon me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Healing Art of Honesty

I haven't posted in awhile, which I regret.  I have been in much pain and very exhausted.  But tonight I would like to blog even though my thoughts are scattered to the farthest ends of the earth.  I have decided to move to California.  I have found a coach there that will help me reach my fullest potential and achieve ultimate healing.  That means taking Dominick away from his grandparents and his cousins.  That thought breaks my heart.  I have been mulling this over and over and over again in my heart and mind, for months.  I've decided this is what is best for us.  Right now.  I only pray someday they will forgive me and will understand why I did it.  I told my husband today that I will be moving.  He didn't like it much, of course.  But I believe this will be better for him than he realizes.  I asked him to use our time apart to work on himself, find truth and peace for himself, while I work on me.  I want to be the best mom I can possibly be to my children.  I hope he can find the strength to have the same drive and goal.  I am not exactly sure when the move will occur.  Sometime in the early part of 2011, perhaps January, perhaps March.  It just depends on how the universe opens up the way for me.  All I know is that I must plan and prepare myself for it.  I do know I need to make that long of a trip before my third trimester. 
Speaking of which...  I had an interesting chat with my ob/gyn today.  I discovered after the birth of my first child (via C-section) that my uterus is heart-shaped.  I found that interesting but after today's discussion with the doc, I'm fascinated.  It REALLY IS heart-shaped!  My new doctor specializes in uterine abnormalities, and says that I have a bicornuate uterus. "Only the upper part of that part of the Mullerian system that forms the uterus fails to fuse, thus the caudal part of the uterus is normal, the cranial part is bifurcated. The uterus is 'heart-shaped'".  (taken from Wikipedia)  So in essence, this restricts the baby's ability to move, to turn head-down, or to grow to full-term.  I knew Dominick was a still, calm child, but I never fully understood why until now.  This type of abnormality only occurs in 0.1-0.5% of women in the U.S.   There is a high risk that it can abort itself because it doesn't have enough room to grow, but that's if it starts growing at the top of the uterus.  So for those of you who are reading this, please pray that this little baby girl of mine (or boy, but I really think it's a pretty pink girly-girl) can grow to at least 35 weeks.  That's when Dominick was born, and he was perfect in every way.  And because I love her and I want her to be comfortable, please pray that she grows face-up so that she can have plenty of room for her spine to develop right.  I really do appreciate your love, concern, positive energy and prayers that you are pouring into her right now. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

where i'm headed

Generally, when u take a long road trip (which I love doing!), u have a pretty good idea of where you're headed and how u are gonna get there. If you're smart, u take a road map with u so u can stay on course even through detours, bad weather, bathroom stops, and that quick stop at whatever sight has caught your eye. My destination is ultimate health and my road map is the things I want to achieve along the way. When I've achieved them all, I'll know I've made it. So here is the list of things on my road map. This provides a clear picture of where I'm headed and where I'll be when this journey is at its end.
I will be pain-free.
I will have abundant energy, able to meet my needs, my family's needs, and the needs of others.
I will have such clarity of mind and focus that I will be in tune to what others need.
I will have turned all my negative thoughts into positive ones, and exude peace and love on a consistent basis.
I will be in control of my own life.
- will have financial freedom, stability, and optimum wealth.
I will be able to support my parents financially, help those in financial need, and pay back those who have helped me.
I will enjoy maximum health in my new healthy size. No more plus-size stores for me!
I will be able to buy the clothes I want, in my size, wherever I want.
I will be a good dancer. Especially in bellydance.
I will face my fears and try surfing, skating, skiing, everything that has to do with falling down... I will face it.
I will enjoy a genuine intimacy with the man that chooses to win my heart. An intimacy free of shame, embarrassment, and distrust. I will wear a bikini. And look good in it.
I will be on Americas Got Talent.
And I will be a motivational speaker someday.