my essence

my essence
fire and wind, the essence of me

Friday, December 31, 2010


So I finally told my dad about this blog last night. He asked me what Becoming Freedom Dance meant. I said, "that's what I want my new name to be". U should have seen his face. It was comical, he looked so confused and maybe a little weirded out lol! But name-changing is nothing new. In fact, God changed names all over the place in the Bible. Some of the names were picked by others, but God was responsible for many of them. Changing a name establishes a new identity. It represents a drastic change in ones life, whether it be good or bad. For me, it separates me from the old life of bondage and shows that I am destined for a new mission in life. Here's a few old favorites from the Bible. Abraham, Sarah, Jacob, Joshua, peter and Paul. Some lesser known are Daniel, Naomi, Gideon, Esther and Joseph. A few years ago, a prophecy was spoken over me by a spiritual man I have confidence in. He then told me that God has his own special name for me and I should ask him to share it with me. After a few moments of silence and meditation just sitting in the presence of God He told me very clearly "Dance Warrior". I felt like this tied in with my Indian roots and I could identify with it. I fight my battles through music. When deciding to change my name in a public way I knew I couldn't go by Gods name for me so I modified it to Freedom Dance. Because freedom from sin and all the bondage, walls, criticism, wrongful condemnation and fear is what I'm following hard after. So there. Now u know... the rest of the story. :)

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Learning What Happened

I have thought a lot today about the Church of God that I grew up in and the way it influenced me and my generation, most of whom either responded the way I did or worse.  I have realized that the religion was forced upon us, rather than taught to us.  It was given to us like medicine-take it or die.  It was so black and white.  There was no room for personal growth, individual understanding, or a gentle tolerance and patience with each other.  Even worse, the voice of the Holy Spirit was stifled and squelched into non-existence because we were expected to obey the authorities without question.  Their word WAS bible, and how dare anyone question it.  There was no room for compromise or negotiation.  This caused us to be helpless and weak, unable to make sound decisions on our own, or it turned us into cynical, rebellious, bitter souls, unable to find peace within ourselves, God or mankind.  This is a sad, heartbreaking result of a religion that seemed to be holy, yet was so wrong.  When the authorities disagree with each other, it causes the people to become dissatisfied in relying solely on what their authority tells them what to do.  How can they be so right if they disagree with those of their own level and position of power?  When people leave the Church, they either go all the way to the extreme-anything goes.  Or they learn to think critically for themselves and search for Truth on their own, discovering a true, intimate and powerful relationship with God.  Or they may go to the extreme of relativism, and then come back to the middle, seeking what is right, honest, and good.  I went to the extreme, I will admit.  Now I've come back to the middle because I do want to know God for myself, and not in the light that He was portrayed to me in-a harsh, unforgiving, overbearing God that expects me to be perfect... something I'm definitely not.  No, I'm discovering that He is a forgiving, passionate, kind, gentle God that wants what is best for me, wants to provide for my needs, support me, guide me, and lead me all the way home to Him. 
Speaking of home, I really would like to stay here and not move across country to CA.  I don't know if that's a possibility but I can dream and pray and hope.  I have a lovely home on the hill, close to my parents and siblings, a steady job and a great piano job....  We will see what transpires over the next few days as my family life sorts itself out. 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Tearing Down Walls

I have had a profound truth revealed to me by God Himself.  He is my strength, my fortress, my stronghold, but I don't let Him be because I've built all these walls that I rely on to protect me.  I will call the walls out by name, so that the devil can be cast down and God can be exalted.  I have built a wall because I'm hearing-impaired.  This wall protects me from rude comments and weird looks.  I hide behind it in my insecurity of being "abnormal".  I have a wall that's labeled "being a Storts" because my dad always said I was cursed with the Storts fat gene.  I have blamed my overweightness on my genetic makeup, and made this wall a joking matter.  A third wall has been erected in honor of being homeschooled and an unkissed virgin until the age of 30.  My lack of social skills, my ungracefulness when opening my mouth to speak, my general sense of not belonging anywhere, my unhealthy fear of being alone, have all been blamed on these two happenstances in my life. The fourth wall is titled "being a preacher's kid".  My unreasonably high expectations of myself, and the expectations I think others have of me, are blamed on being a preacher's kid, a notorious preacher, and I was the piano kid put in the spotlight, which doubled the pressure of being perfect.  And to cap the four walls off with a roof, just to make sure I was real good and protected, I built a roof of cynicism, from a lifetime of failed friendships, romantic interests dissolved into smoke, men that used and abused me, a childhood church that rejected me, and a failed marriage recently added to the list.  
But guess what?  I don't need these walls and roof to protect me, to be my strength, to shield me from further hurt and tears.  I have all that I need inside me, because GOD Himself dwells within me!  What an amazing thought!  That means all the power, strength, courage, bravery, and grit of the universe is in me, therefore I don't need anything else.  Me and God, we make a fantastic team.  I am strong.  I am brave.  I am courageous.  I possess all that I need to be whole, healed, beautiful, full of love and peace.  So I no longer hold walls up around me.  When you see me, you see the real me, not the glimpse of me hiding behind some insecurity.  The real me holds her chin up high and her chest out, her eyes full of life and peace.  Because God goes before her, God is in her, God surrounds her.  And she is safe, secure, at ease.  She has found her resting place.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Religion

I will establish here what my religion is because apparently people think I'm running away from God, and ignoring all I've ever learned.  Which is the furthest thing from the truth.  What I AM leaving is the religion that is dead as a tomb, making its people whited sepulchres.  Pure on the outside.  Dead on the inside.  The religion that preaches deliverance, but its people are still bound.  The religion that teaches love, but its parishioners daily disrespect each other.  The religion that says they're a lighthouse set up on a hill, but no one is drawn to them, or worse, even knows about them.  They say Jesus heals, but the pews are loaded with the sick, hurting, and wounded.  It's a shadow of the real deal, a mirage in the desert, a glimpse of what could/should have been.  Who honestly thinks I want to be a part of something that promises a million bucks but passes out pennies?  Uh... not I. 
This is what I pursue, live, breathe, and am.  Love and peace.  Call me a tree-hugging hippie.  I honestly don't care.  If you think I'm a hippie because I live a religion of love and peace, then you are exactly what I described in the prior paragraph.  Allow me to remind you what the Bible says about love and peace. 
34A new commandment I give unto you: that ye love one another, as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
       35By this shall all men know that ye are My disciples: if ye have love one for another."
9Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
       10Have kindly affection one for another with brotherly love, in honor preferring one another;
 8And above all things, have fervent charity among yourselves, for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.
 7Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God, and every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God.
   8He that loveth not, knoweth not God, for God is love.   
   9In this was manifested the love of God toward us: that God sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
       10Herein is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
       11Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
       12No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and His love is perfected in us.
       13Hereby we know that we dwell in Him and He in us: because He hath given us of His Spirit.
       14And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Savior of the world.
       15Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
       16And we have known and believed the love that God hath for us. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
       17Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the Day of Judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
       18There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
       19We love Him, because He first loved us.
       20If a man say, "I love God," and hateth his brother, he is a liar. For he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
       21And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loveth God love his brother also.
18And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of those who make peace.
 7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
14For He is our peace, who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us,
 21"Acquaint now thyself with Him, and be at peace; thereby good shall come unto thee.
14Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord,
50Salt is good, but if the salt has lost his saltness, with what will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another."
14Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
18And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings and in quiet resting places
19Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and the things wherewith one may edify another
 3Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee.
27"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
9Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
 18If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
33These things I have spoken unto you, that in Me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world."
Amen and amen.  

Thursday, December 16, 2010


Today I'm miserable.  I don't feel good at all.  I haven't been to the chiropractor in over a month, and I can tell.  My entire spine from tip to tip is on fire.  My muscles ache from being stretched to an abnormal position since my spine is out of alignment.  I have had a headache all day today that stretched from my eyebrows up over my head and down my neck into my shoulders.  My dear mother rubbed ben-gay into my back and neck tonight but I still struggle just to walk. When I carry Dominick, it's much worse.  Sometimes I fear that I will fall, my legs don't feel strong enough to support my weight and his since my back can't provide support. Hopefully I will sleep in a good position tonight and wake up rested.  I can't think clearly enough to say anything more than this.
I have taken pain medicine 3 times today and it hasn't scratched the surface.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Regarding the Church of God as I knew it

This is a written statement of forgiveness to all those in the Church of God who wrongly accused me of sin and rebellion and turned their backs on me. I thank you for doing that. Thank you for showing me what I had known for years but couldn't admit to myself- the church as I knew it had become babylon and full of false doctrine made by man. Your rejection liberated me to find the true meaning of spirituality and intimacy with God. He never rejected me. He never left me. He never turned His back on me. So I am now seeking people who are like Him- people who follow hard after love and peace and righteousness, not condemning and cutting down one another but edifying, encouraging, building each other up. That is love. I pray for those who have been blinded by their religious doctrines that they see the hypocrisy of their ways before death strikes. May they discover the love and peace of God that passes all understanding. I do not speak of all who go to the Church of God. Some are true and trying to live right. This is not a blanket statement intended to condemn all members of the COG. Those I speak of knows, or will soon know, their own wickedness and falsehood. Thank you for setting me free. I rejoice to not be one of you anymore. The hurt of your rejection no longer stings. I have forgiven you, and I am released to fly in the freedom God has bestowed upon me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Healing Art of Honesty

I haven't posted in awhile, which I regret.  I have been in much pain and very exhausted.  But tonight I would like to blog even though my thoughts are scattered to the farthest ends of the earth.  I have decided to move to California.  I have found a coach there that will help me reach my fullest potential and achieve ultimate healing.  That means taking Dominick away from his grandparents and his cousins.  That thought breaks my heart.  I have been mulling this over and over and over again in my heart and mind, for months.  I've decided this is what is best for us.  Right now.  I only pray someday they will forgive me and will understand why I did it.  I told my husband today that I will be moving.  He didn't like it much, of course.  But I believe this will be better for him than he realizes.  I asked him to use our time apart to work on himself, find truth and peace for himself, while I work on me.  I want to be the best mom I can possibly be to my children.  I hope he can find the strength to have the same drive and goal.  I am not exactly sure when the move will occur.  Sometime in the early part of 2011, perhaps January, perhaps March.  It just depends on how the universe opens up the way for me.  All I know is that I must plan and prepare myself for it.  I do know I need to make that long of a trip before my third trimester. 
Speaking of which...  I had an interesting chat with my ob/gyn today.  I discovered after the birth of my first child (via C-section) that my uterus is heart-shaped.  I found that interesting but after today's discussion with the doc, I'm fascinated.  It REALLY IS heart-shaped!  My new doctor specializes in uterine abnormalities, and says that I have a bicornuate uterus. "Only the upper part of that part of the Mullerian system that forms the uterus fails to fuse, thus the caudal part of the uterus is normal, the cranial part is bifurcated. The uterus is 'heart-shaped'".  (taken from Wikipedia)  So in essence, this restricts the baby's ability to move, to turn head-down, or to grow to full-term.  I knew Dominick was a still, calm child, but I never fully understood why until now.  This type of abnormality only occurs in 0.1-0.5% of women in the U.S.   There is a high risk that it can abort itself because it doesn't have enough room to grow, but that's if it starts growing at the top of the uterus.  So for those of you who are reading this, please pray that this little baby girl of mine (or boy, but I really think it's a pretty pink girly-girl) can grow to at least 35 weeks.  That's when Dominick was born, and he was perfect in every way.  And because I love her and I want her to be comfortable, please pray that she grows face-up so that she can have plenty of room for her spine to develop right.  I really do appreciate your love, concern, positive energy and prayers that you are pouring into her right now. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

where i'm headed

Generally, when u take a long road trip (which I love doing!), u have a pretty good idea of where you're headed and how u are gonna get there. If you're smart, u take a road map with u so u can stay on course even through detours, bad weather, bathroom stops, and that quick stop at whatever sight has caught your eye. My destination is ultimate health and my road map is the things I want to achieve along the way. When I've achieved them all, I'll know I've made it. So here is the list of things on my road map. This provides a clear picture of where I'm headed and where I'll be when this journey is at its end.
I will be pain-free.
I will have abundant energy, able to meet my needs, my family's needs, and the needs of others.
I will have such clarity of mind and focus that I will be in tune to what others need.
I will have turned all my negative thoughts into positive ones, and exude peace and love on a consistent basis.
I will be in control of my own life.
- will have financial freedom, stability, and optimum wealth.
I will be able to support my parents financially, help those in financial need, and pay back those who have helped me.
I will enjoy maximum health in my new healthy size. No more plus-size stores for me!
I will be able to buy the clothes I want, in my size, wherever I want.
I will be a good dancer. Especially in bellydance.
I will face my fears and try surfing, skating, skiing, everything that has to do with falling down... I will face it.
I will enjoy a genuine intimacy with the man that chooses to win my heart. An intimacy free of shame, embarrassment, and distrust. I will wear a bikini. And look good in it.
I will be on Americas Got Talent.
And I will be a motivational speaker someday.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Changing a Thought

"Everyone wants a better life; it starts in the heart and ends there also."
The following paragraph is an excerpt from a book I am reading.  It is written by Christopher Hansard, titled The Tibetan Art of Positive Thinking
If you constantly think in a negative way, you shorten your life span.  Relationships become fearful and problems increase.  You lose your ability to discover joy in simple things.  This creates further negativity.  Life becomes complicated.  Negativity adores all thats that are overly complicated.  Complication conceals negativity, keeping it safe from exposure.  You get so caught up in the complications that you lose sight of the underlying negativity that is creating the problems.
I had a change of thought yesterday.  I would like to share it with you.  The pastor at the church where I play piano said last Sunday, "I don't drink alcohol anymore because I can't just stop at one.  Most people cannot simply stop at one.  You need another, and then another, and then another.  Before you know it, you are drunk.  And that is when it has become sin.  So I choose not to drink because I know my limitations."  I thought to myself, "Well, I can have just one drink and be satisfied.  I don't drink to get drunk, and when I did get drunk, it was on purpose.  I decided a long time ago I don't like to get drunk.  But it's easy for me to stop at one drink.  Why am I stronger than him in that area?"  God enlightened me yesterday while I was thinking about his words and my responsive thoughts.  "Tammy, that is his weakness.  It is not your weakness.  Your weakness is food.  You get drunk with food.  That is the way you drown your negative thoughts.  But it is the same strength.  The strength you use to avoid drunkenness is the same strength he uses to avoid being a glutton."  I thought to myself, "Ah!  I already have the strength!  I just need to utilize it in eating as well as in drinking.  It's no different.  I drink to enjoy it, not to abuse it or abuse myself.  So should I eat to enjoy, not to abuse it or to abuse myself."  It was a liberating change of thought.  I already have the strength.  Changing the way I view food is not an impossibility.  It is a complete possibility, and I already have the tools to do it with.  So today, I ate well.  I ate with heart, and I enjoyed every bite of it.  But I did not overdo it, I did not stuff myself, eat mindlessly or selfishly.  I ate til I was satisfied, and it was a far more delicious feeling than having stuffed myself to the gills.  I, Tammy Marie, am in control of what I eat now.  Food no longer controls me.  YES!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

the faces of healing

So what does an extreme makeover consist of? I don't believe I can just change one facet about me and that would be sufficient. I get the gut feeling this makeover is going to go a lot deeper than that. Its going to affect every facet of my life, who I am. Spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, even sexually... I am one entity even though there are multiple parts that make up the whole Me. If I lose weight, it would affect me mentally, right? If I change the way I view myself, food, and why I eat, that would affect my weight. Yes? If I change my financial state, would it not affect me emotionally? Gosh, to not be so stressed all the time... I might feel like a brand-new person. If I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, perhaps I would have some energy to romp around in bed and actually enjoy it... Imagine that! So I accept that this makeover is going to influence every part of my life. But change begins with thought. And that is what my next blog will be about. The power of thought.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Opening my mouth

I have been silent long enough.  I have been level to the ground long enough.  Now is my time to rise above all the things that hold me down.  Now is my time to become the person I was created to be.  I can no longer use excuses or hide behind past hurts.  I am no longer required to bow down to people's expectations of me.  No one but God can know the fullest depth of my potential.  And only God knows just how short I fall from maxing out that potential.  I have an inkling of an idea, but God knows it ALL.
   So now is my time.  I embrace it.  I eagerly look forward to the challenging, but promising, future.  Not looking back.  Not looking down.  My chin is held high.  My gaze is steady.  My eyes are on the mark.  I have survived the storms, and I'm coming out strong. 
   When everyone saw the worst in me, Jesus saw the best in me.  And He SINGS over me!  When my closest friends and family turned their backs on me, gave up on me, said I would never amount to anything, Jesus saw the best in me.  I could never, and will never, let go of that kind of Love. 

Brutal Honesty

I am in a broken marriage.  There is no trust or respect left.  We both have broken our wedding vows, and our marriage has become an empty, bitter shell of a dream.  I am in a constant state of poverty, barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.  I have maxed out my loaners, and I've ran out of alternative options.  I am bankrupt.  I have lost most of my friends, when I used to name hundreds of people I called friend.  Now I count them on one and a half hands.  Spiritually, I have been burnt to a crisp.  I have been scorned, accused and beaten down by the ones I thought were closest to God.  Nevertheless, God has not let go of me.  Even in my darkest hours, His comforting voice keeps reassuring me, "It will be all right".  I cling desperately to that promise.  My health is that of a 60-year-old woman.  My chiropractor says I have severe reverse curvature of the spine and it's shaving years off my life.  Add to that I'm 120 lbs overweight....  It hurts just to stand up.  I am in constant pain.  I can't remember the last time I actually felt good.  Of course, all of the above has greatly affect me mentally.  I have put little stock into what I think.  I constantly question and doubt myself.  My thinking has a big "overcast" sign on it.  Then someone asked me the other day, "If you could not fail, what would you attempt to do?"  Oh, did my brain take a joyride!  And you know what?  GOD says I'm worthy.  HE made me the head, not the tail.  He put me above, not beneath.  So I'm going out to get my inheritance.  Don't even think about stopping me.  This chick can kick butt.


After you start reading my posts, I am sure you will question why I am being so brutally honest and open about the negative parts of me.  Well, consider this journal a movie.  If you never see the negative drama at the beginning, you never fully appreciate the magically beautiful ending, now do you?   So I'm telling you the negative in that you can appreciate the beauty evolving from the ashes.  I am entering metamorphosis.  I am a catapillar and must enter my cocoon to become the beautiful butterfly God intended me to be from the get-go.  I'm climbing in now.  (I'm a little scared, actually.)