my essence

my essence
fire and wind, the essence of me

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Discovering the Magic of Love

A girlfriend of mine has been struggling with her relationships with men.  I shared this newfound understanding with her today.  I love the lesson that I've learned the past couple days, and I want to make sure I include it in my journal. 
When a man completely adores you, can’t get enough of you, and does everything he can to hold onto you, that is something special.  Hollywood makes romance out to be something that it SO is not.  Men are rarely the svelte, suave, sexy gentlemen that we want them to be.  It takes us women to polish them up to that level.  J  And to be honest, it goes both ways.  We can be bitchy, and you know men don’t respect that.  It takes time, patience, working out differences, communicating, and learning how to compromise to get that bitchiness out of us.  That’s when we become princesses our men are willing to fight for.  Romance never happens overnight.  That’s silly infatuation.  True love is cultivated and developed.  It can be a holy nightmare, but if you stick to your guns and you determine to fight for the connection you know you could have with him, then the rewards begin to FAR outweigh the pain and struggle.  You start discovering the completeness, unity, and oneness that love brings.  And that’s the sweetest thing in the world, to be one with someone else.  To have someone on your side, no matter what.  That’s delicious.  :)
Francisco, thank you for standing by me through all this crazy mess.  You are definitely being polished into that jewel I always knew you were under all that tough skin.  I love you more and more with every passing day.  Thank you for helping me discover what Love truly is.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Miracle of Love and Forgiveness

I may have lost a lot of friends through all this, but there is one person who refused to leave me alone.  And that was my husband.  Even though I had left him, even though I told him I wanted a divorce, he never stopped loving me.  Thursday evening God opened my eyes and showed me that HE had worked a miracle in Francisco's heart.  His guard was down, his heart was open towards me, he wasn't defensive and trying to protect his ego, he was sweet, understanding, patient, kind, and gentle.  In that moment of enlightenment, all the old hurts were cast from the east to the west.  They didn't even matter anymore.  I forgave my dear Cisco completely in that instant, forgave myself for giving up on him, and God replaced that bitterness and pain with love.  Wondrous love.  Forgiving, unconditional love.  I'm in awe.  Completely stunned.  I finally feel like I'm actually married.  To a man I will always cherish.  These past 2.5 years have been the rockiest, most painful years of my life.  But God has promised me He will restore those years and the positive, happy days will far outweigh those years in no time. 
I also want to include a thought to those that think I'm wrong in rehashing my past and blaming my failures on those in my past or on past experiences.  There is a quote I want to share with you from a book I've been reading called The Thinker's Way. 
"Most serious problems do not appear suddenly; they develop gradually over time.  In order to understand fully the present incarnation of your problem, it is helpful to identify its point of origin and trace its evolution.  Just as pulling out a weed without extracting its roots fails to kill it, so trying to solve a problem without understanding its history often leads to results that are only temporary."

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Losing the Fake Friends

Announcing my move to CA has been shaking ground to prove who's my friend and who's not.  It's become amazingly obvious.  The ones who genuinely care about me say they are praying for me, supporting me, will miss me, wish I could stay but understand why I'm going, hope to see me move back someday, gives me their mailing address and any other method of staying in touch, they cry, and they get my back when someone talks bad about/to me.  The fake friends are glaringly different.  They say I'm making the most stupid decision of my life.  They stop talking to me and cut me off.  They get really defensive even though it may have nothing to do with them.  They twist everything I say.  They cut me down in public and try to make me look the fool.  They say if I don't do what they say, then I'm disobeying God.  They try to control me and every aspect of my life, and then sickingly use religion as a cover-up.
I shed off the fake friends and I cling onto the real ones.  I don't need your fake friendship.  If you can't love me the way I am, believe in me, support me, hold me up, then I don't need you.
A friend of mine had my back yesterday after a long-time "friend" of mine called me bitter and loopy, among some other hurtful, hateful things.  I normally like to speak for myself on my blog, but what she said was so deep, profound, and RIGHT, I have to share it here. 
i disagree. i don't sense bitterness, but rather, the dissipation of bewilderment. when you are raised under a certain moral & cultural understanding, your world view is undeniably shaped as such (if it wasn't, why would people attempt to "...raise" children under them?). if something rails against that mindset as the result of life experiences, the incongruity can cause friction at worst, a confusing fog in need of lifting at best. to say it is a "tired old excuse" when it is an area of legitimate self-actualization is unnecessarily trivializing someone else's truth. admittedly, decisions you made after you became cognizant of personal responsibility are yours and yours alone, but the fact that it's because of that moral/cultural world view you were raised with has some culpability. it's not a mutually exclusive set of factors. you very well may have been a victim -- when it comes to injurious deception, i suspect the term is relative to the situation/person. to recognize where something comes from and what it translates to in your life is enlightening. knowing who you are and how you got here help you figure out where you're going -- also quite enlightening. but that doesn't mean it should completely define you or provide you with an anchor that excuses stagnation. grow from it and attempt to keep it from happening to you again. forgive yourself for what was your fault and forgive douche bags that call you "loopy." i think the child-like, unassuming nature you possess and the purity of mental processing it provides for in you are some of your more admirable qualities. apparently so does jesus. if that makes anyone sad...that's on them.  e. e. cummings has a famous quote:

"...Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single
human being can be taught to feel. Why? Because whenever you think
or you believe or you know, you're a lot of other people: but the
moment you feel, you're nobody-but-yourself.

To be nobody-but-yourself—in a world which is doing its best, night
and day, to make you everybody else—means to fight the hardest
battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." 
If you are a real friend of mine, thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Please don't stop believing in me.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Deepest Hurt

Losing my car is nothing compared to losing the love, trust and respect of my father.  That hurt goes deeper than anything.  I always thought that he was my friend and would support me no matter what.  I have been proven wrong.  Daddy, I will always love you.  But you have lost sight of what Love is.  I hope you realize it before you die.  In time you will see I'm ok with being who I am, being independent of my parents and dependent on God.  You don't see that now because you think you've lost me.  But you haven't.  I will always be your baby girl.  Always.  I just choose to not live your lifestyle.  I choose to follow a different path to God.  Don't cut me off or take it personal because I made that decision.  The way I look is of vastly less value than the values I carry in my heart.  And I carry love, peace, and all the things Jesus came to bring us.  When you choose to let go of your religious rules and you open your eyes to the goodness that is in me, you will see that we are actually on the same path.  You just can't see that now.  I pray someday you will.

Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
'Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again

Imagine me, being free, trusting You totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of Your love fear's gone away
Can you imagine me?

Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Protecting Myself

My second grade teacher was a hateful, ugly thing that had no patience for hearing-impaired children who had a hard time understanding instructions.  She was my first exposure to hateful words, and I had no idea how to protect myself.  Instead, I internalized her words and made them truth.  When I told my parents about it, they didn't tell me she was wrong, or tell me how to defend myself the next time.  My mother even overheard the teacher and didn't intervene.  I got a different teacher, which is only correcting part of the problem.  Or perhaps that was the problem.  Running away from conflict instead of confronting it.  My piano teacher was a cruel master who loved to ridicule and make fun of his pupils.  I found out years later that I wasn't the only one he picked on.  But what 8 year old girl can be called a stupid little street urchin every week and not wonder if it's true? 
That's where my biggest wall of all began to be built- the wall of self-protection.  It distorts my view of reality, it has hindered my development and adjustment as an adult, hinders my ability to be happy, causes marital discord, poor friendship patterns and poor health (according to psychiatry research).
And yet, when I tell my family I want to get professional help and break down these walls and gain my health back, they completely flip out.  My brother prophesies I'll be completely ruined within 5 years, my sister says I'm like two devil-possessed people in the bible, my dad has my car repossessed, and my mother says I need to leave my son with her.  Well, that was confirmation.  I knew they weren't a support system for me, never have, and probably never will be.  That's ok.  I can find one, develop one, make one of my own.
My song for the day is Perfect Peace by Laura Story. 
Say close by My side
Keep your eyes on Me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when i say
I will give you perfect peace

And you’ll never walk alone
And you’ll never be in need
Though i may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in me
Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let me bear your load
Cause i will give you perfect peace
Stay close by my side
And you’ll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on me
And you will never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that i will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Buddha or Jesus

Apparently, there seems to be a concern that I am turning towards Buddhism with a humanistic viewpoint at the helm of my ship.  I understand the concern.  But I will take the time to disprove this thought for the sake of those who care to read my blog, but more importantly, to take power away from the nay-sayers.

Buddha and Jesus Christ are either put on the same level or one elevated above the other in many religious circles.  I will state my personal belief, along with facts.  Buddha was not born of a virgin.  Jesus was.  Buddha never healed anybody, raised anyone from the dead, or claimed to be God or the son of God.  Jesus did.  Buddha did not bring himself back to life after dying at the age of 80 from a combination of old age and food poisoning.  Jesus prophesied his coming back to life after 3 days in the grave, and did so.  Buddha did not claim to be a divine being, only claiming to have divine aspirations, attempting to rise above this world through meditation and attain the ultimate level of peace.  Jesus said He was from heaven, and became one of us in order to save us.  He did not attempt to rise above this suffering world.  He became a part of it in a sacrifice of unconditional love.  I may admire one for his attempts to better himself, but the other I worship and adore.  He was perfect and without sin, and He died so that I might have life. 

There were times when Jesus told someone to “heal themselves” because He needed to see if the person was willing to do the work rather than just looking for a free hand-out.  Jesus could easily instantly heal me of my reversed spine, my low self-esteem, my paralyzing fear of being true to the plan God ordained for me at point of conception due to receiving disapproval from family and friends, and all the other things that hold me down.  But Jesus has told me to heal myself.  So I am discovering the truth of what GOD thinks of me, separating myself from what the church and family thinks of me.  Their influence and viewpoint of me has been negative and devastating to my development.  I am rising above that and seeking the truth.  That is not humanistic.  That is being spiritually enlightened.  I know that a man cannot direct his own steps.  We all need a higher power to aid us on this path of life.  So I look to the Highest Power of all to guide me into all truth, understanding, wisdom, and enlightenment.  He will not steer me wrong.  Men do.  God never will.   

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Encouraging myself

I read two things today that profoundly influenced me and I want to post it on my blog so I don't lose it.  Because I will definitely want to read this again.  Good stuff.  Hope it helps somebody besides me.  (is anybody even reading any of this???)
“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

Second piece of mind-blowing material for the day is an email from my counselor which was a response to my saying I feel depressed when I'm alone.
I think that, given time, you will embrace being alone.  While I love people, I really look forward to my private time.  The whole concept of needing to be with people all the time is a Hollywood myth.  Especially when it comes to romance, you have seen the difference between what Hollywood sells and reality.  See if you can convert some of your alone time from feeling needy to feeling empowered.  Spend some time meditating, and see if it begins to liberate you.

The depressed state is what the Chinese call "excess yin".  It slows down everything, including the physical metabolism.  When that happens, you stop being active, stop burning energy and start gaining weight, which is even more depressing, which starts the cycle over again.  You want to infuse a little "yang" into your life!  Do you have a bicycle?  or do you like to walk?  A good idea is to bike or walk for about a half hour every day.  Perhaps you can bike or walk to the store (or other close errands) rather than drive.  If you can get out in the sunshine for a few minutes a day, that would be great.  You could convert your lunchtime at work to a walk time perhaps.

We tend to evaluate ourselves by either what we do or what we have.  But we are "human beings", not "human doings" or "human havings".  Now is the time to go within and really discover who you are - when you do, you'll see that you are a wonderful, pure, kind, saintly being.   Eventually what you do and what you have will just be a natural "side effect" of who you are.

MMM....  rich stuff.  Tops my day off with whipped cream and a strawberry.  (yes, strawberry.  Eww on the marachino cherries!)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Farewell Francisco

My husband is gone.  Per my request.  I have so many mixed emotions.  I desperately wanted our marriage to work, but it was doomed from the get-go.  We didn't get married for the right reasons or out of love, and we weren't even compatible in the remotest sense.  I regret hurting him.  But I knew I had to separate us in order for me and my children to find happiness and peace in our home.  So priorities, priorities.... But here is a song for you, Juan Francisco Lopez.  I will always love you because you gave me two beautiful children.  That was the greatest gift of all.
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I’d never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Closing that chapter.  Here opens a new chapter, full of hope, awe, inspiration, excitement and a serious adrenaline rush.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Fat Suit

ok I've had another revelation.  I love these revelation things!  They are life-changing!  I am fat because I am intimidated by myself.  Don't write me off as a complete nut-job and recommend they get a strait jacket for me.  Not yet.  Let me explain. 
Growing up, beauty was discouraged in our home.  I don't hold it against my parents.  They were doing the best they could.  But in their attempts to keep us from being snobby, stuck-up, selfish people, I lost my ability to respect myself for who I am.  I respect everyone else.  Just not me.  I sacrifice my needs for yours.  That's commendable to a certain extent.  But when it starts negatively affecting your health, your relationships, your opinion of God, your ability to land a good job, etc., it becomes a problem.  A big problem.  Pun intended. 
So over the years as I suffered rejection in other areas (hearing loss, loss of friends, inability to gain the attention of an available fella), I protected myself by putting on layer after layer of... fat.  Yep.  It sounds ridiculous.  But how many people do you know that are depressed and wish their lives were different and they're fat?  Obese, overweight, suffering from all the maladies that come with excess weight.  Why is it that people who are genuinely happy with themselves and with their lives are energetic, lively, healthy, skinny people?  Well, maybe not always skinny, but they're definitely not overweight.  It seems like a correlation that shouldn't be ignored. 
Anyhow, in my case, in my years of protecting myself, I have packed more and more cushion into my fat suit until I can barely move. So now I've gotta change my way of thinking. 
I am worthy of being beautiful.  It is not evil to be beautiful, it won't make me selfish and self-centered.  It won't make me mean and insensitive.  The preposterous notion that I will be like this when I'm skinny is absurd because I ENVY skinny people!  I wish I was like them!  And I don't think they're selfish and insensitive!  (well, unless they actually are.  But I don't blame it on their being beautiful.  Unless they give me good reason to do so)  I am beautiful in my spirit and God made me a lovely bonita, loaded with His blessings, and I deserve to hold my head up high and be confident in my role as His princess daughter, deserving of what all lovely royal princesses get... royal treatment!  A healthy diet, lots of fresh air, the occasional facial and mani/pedis, and of course bubble baths.  :)  I think I'll have one of those tonight....