my essence

my essence
fire and wind, the essence of me

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Changing a Thought

"Everyone wants a better life; it starts in the heart and ends there also."
The following paragraph is an excerpt from a book I am reading.  It is written by Christopher Hansard, titled The Tibetan Art of Positive Thinking
If you constantly think in a negative way, you shorten your life span.  Relationships become fearful and problems increase.  You lose your ability to discover joy in simple things.  This creates further negativity.  Life becomes complicated.  Negativity adores all thats that are overly complicated.  Complication conceals negativity, keeping it safe from exposure.  You get so caught up in the complications that you lose sight of the underlying negativity that is creating the problems.
I had a change of thought yesterday.  I would like to share it with you.  The pastor at the church where I play piano said last Sunday, "I don't drink alcohol anymore because I can't just stop at one.  Most people cannot simply stop at one.  You need another, and then another, and then another.  Before you know it, you are drunk.  And that is when it has become sin.  So I choose not to drink because I know my limitations."  I thought to myself, "Well, I can have just one drink and be satisfied.  I don't drink to get drunk, and when I did get drunk, it was on purpose.  I decided a long time ago I don't like to get drunk.  But it's easy for me to stop at one drink.  Why am I stronger than him in that area?"  God enlightened me yesterday while I was thinking about his words and my responsive thoughts.  "Tammy, that is his weakness.  It is not your weakness.  Your weakness is food.  You get drunk with food.  That is the way you drown your negative thoughts.  But it is the same strength.  The strength you use to avoid drunkenness is the same strength he uses to avoid being a glutton."  I thought to myself, "Ah!  I already have the strength!  I just need to utilize it in eating as well as in drinking.  It's no different.  I drink to enjoy it, not to abuse it or abuse myself.  So should I eat to enjoy, not to abuse it or to abuse myself."  It was a liberating change of thought.  I already have the strength.  Changing the way I view food is not an impossibility.  It is a complete possibility, and I already have the tools to do it with.  So today, I ate well.  I ate with heart, and I enjoyed every bite of it.  But I did not overdo it, I did not stuff myself, eat mindlessly or selfishly.  I ate til I was satisfied, and it was a far more delicious feeling than having stuffed myself to the gills.  I, Tammy Marie, am in control of what I eat now.  Food no longer controls me.  YES!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

the faces of healing

So what does an extreme makeover consist of? I don't believe I can just change one facet about me and that would be sufficient. I get the gut feeling this makeover is going to go a lot deeper than that. Its going to affect every facet of my life, who I am. Spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, even sexually... I am one entity even though there are multiple parts that make up the whole Me. If I lose weight, it would affect me mentally, right? If I change the way I view myself, food, and why I eat, that would affect my weight. Yes? If I change my financial state, would it not affect me emotionally? Gosh, to not be so stressed all the time... I might feel like a brand-new person. If I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, perhaps I would have some energy to romp around in bed and actually enjoy it... Imagine that! So I accept that this makeover is going to influence every part of my life. But change begins with thought. And that is what my next blog will be about. The power of thought.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Opening my mouth

I have been silent long enough.  I have been level to the ground long enough.  Now is my time to rise above all the things that hold me down.  Now is my time to become the person I was created to be.  I can no longer use excuses or hide behind past hurts.  I am no longer required to bow down to people's expectations of me.  No one but God can know the fullest depth of my potential.  And only God knows just how short I fall from maxing out that potential.  I have an inkling of an idea, but God knows it ALL.
   So now is my time.  I embrace it.  I eagerly look forward to the challenging, but promising, future.  Not looking back.  Not looking down.  My chin is held high.  My gaze is steady.  My eyes are on the mark.  I have survived the storms, and I'm coming out strong. 
   When everyone saw the worst in me, Jesus saw the best in me.  And He SINGS over me!  When my closest friends and family turned their backs on me, gave up on me, said I would never amount to anything, Jesus saw the best in me.  I could never, and will never, let go of that kind of Love. 

Brutal Honesty

I am in a broken marriage.  There is no trust or respect left.  We both have broken our wedding vows, and our marriage has become an empty, bitter shell of a dream.  I am in a constant state of poverty, barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.  I have maxed out my loaners, and I've ran out of alternative options.  I am bankrupt.  I have lost most of my friends, when I used to name hundreds of people I called friend.  Now I count them on one and a half hands.  Spiritually, I have been burnt to a crisp.  I have been scorned, accused and beaten down by the ones I thought were closest to God.  Nevertheless, God has not let go of me.  Even in my darkest hours, His comforting voice keeps reassuring me, "It will be all right".  I cling desperately to that promise.  My health is that of a 60-year-old woman.  My chiropractor says I have severe reverse curvature of the spine and it's shaving years off my life.  Add to that I'm 120 lbs overweight....  It hurts just to stand up.  I am in constant pain.  I can't remember the last time I actually felt good.  Of course, all of the above has greatly affect me mentally.  I have put little stock into what I think.  I constantly question and doubt myself.  My thinking has a big "overcast" sign on it.  Then someone asked me the other day, "If you could not fail, what would you attempt to do?"  Oh, did my brain take a joyride!  And you know what?  GOD says I'm worthy.  HE made me the head, not the tail.  He put me above, not beneath.  So I'm going out to get my inheritance.  Don't even think about stopping me.  This chick can kick butt.


After you start reading my posts, I am sure you will question why I am being so brutally honest and open about the negative parts of me.  Well, consider this journal a movie.  If you never see the negative drama at the beginning, you never fully appreciate the magically beautiful ending, now do you?   So I'm telling you the negative in that you can appreciate the beauty evolving from the ashes.  I am entering metamorphosis.  I am a catapillar and must enter my cocoon to become the beautiful butterfly God intended me to be from the get-go.  I'm climbing in now.  (I'm a little scared, actually.)