my essence

my essence
fire and wind, the essence of me

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Brutal Honesty

I am in a broken marriage.  There is no trust or respect left.  We both have broken our wedding vows, and our marriage has become an empty, bitter shell of a dream.  I am in a constant state of poverty, barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.  I have maxed out my loaners, and I've ran out of alternative options.  I am bankrupt.  I have lost most of my friends, when I used to name hundreds of people I called friend.  Now I count them on one and a half hands.  Spiritually, I have been burnt to a crisp.  I have been scorned, accused and beaten down by the ones I thought were closest to God.  Nevertheless, God has not let go of me.  Even in my darkest hours, His comforting voice keeps reassuring me, "It will be all right".  I cling desperately to that promise.  My health is that of a 60-year-old woman.  My chiropractor says I have severe reverse curvature of the spine and it's shaving years off my life.  Add to that I'm 120 lbs overweight....  It hurts just to stand up.  I am in constant pain.  I can't remember the last time I actually felt good.  Of course, all of the above has greatly affect me mentally.  I have put little stock into what I think.  I constantly question and doubt myself.  My thinking has a big "overcast" sign on it.  Then someone asked me the other day, "If you could not fail, what would you attempt to do?"  Oh, did my brain take a joyride!  And you know what?  GOD says I'm worthy.  HE made me the head, not the tail.  He put me above, not beneath.  So I'm going out to get my inheritance.  Don't even think about stopping me.  This chick can kick butt.

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