ok I've had another revelation. I love these revelation things! They are life-changing! I am fat because I am intimidated by myself. Don't write me off as a complete nut-job and recommend they get a strait jacket for me. Not yet. Let me explain.
Growing up, beauty was discouraged in our home. I don't hold it against my parents. They were doing the best they could. But in their attempts to keep us from being snobby, stuck-up, selfish people, I lost my ability to respect myself for who I am. I respect everyone else. Just not me. I sacrifice my needs for yours. That's commendable to a certain extent. But when it starts negatively affecting your health, your relationships, your opinion of God, your ability to land a good job, etc., it becomes a problem. A big problem. Pun intended.
So over the years as I suffered rejection in other areas (hearing loss, loss of friends, inability to gain the attention of an available fella), I protected myself by putting on layer after layer of... fat. Yep. It sounds ridiculous. But how many people do you know that are depressed and wish their lives were different and they're fat? Obese, overweight, suffering from all the maladies that come with excess weight. Why is it that people who are genuinely happy with themselves and with their lives are energetic, lively, healthy, skinny people? Well, maybe not always skinny, but they're definitely not overweight. It seems like a correlation that shouldn't be ignored.
Anyhow, in my case, in my years of protecting myself, I have packed more and more cushion into my fat suit until I can barely move. So now I've gotta change my way of thinking.
I am worthy of being beautiful. It is not evil to be beautiful, it won't make me selfish and self-centered. It won't make me mean and insensitive. The preposterous notion that I will be like this when I'm skinny is absurd because I ENVY skinny people! I wish I was like them! And I don't think they're selfish and insensitive! (well, unless they actually are. But I don't blame it on their being beautiful. Unless they give me good reason to do so) I am beautiful in my spirit and God made me a lovely bonita, loaded with His blessings, and I deserve to hold my head up high and be confident in my role as His princess daughter, deserving of what all lovely royal princesses get... royal treatment! A healthy diet, lots of fresh air, the occasional facial and mani/pedis, and of course bubble baths. :) I think I'll have one of those tonight....