my essence

my essence
fire and wind, the essence of me

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Tearing Down Walls

I have had a profound truth revealed to me by God Himself.  He is my strength, my fortress, my stronghold, but I don't let Him be because I've built all these walls that I rely on to protect me.  I will call the walls out by name, so that the devil can be cast down and God can be exalted.  I have built a wall because I'm hearing-impaired.  This wall protects me from rude comments and weird looks.  I hide behind it in my insecurity of being "abnormal".  I have a wall that's labeled "being a Storts" because my dad always said I was cursed with the Storts fat gene.  I have blamed my overweightness on my genetic makeup, and made this wall a joking matter.  A third wall has been erected in honor of being homeschooled and an unkissed virgin until the age of 30.  My lack of social skills, my ungracefulness when opening my mouth to speak, my general sense of not belonging anywhere, my unhealthy fear of being alone, have all been blamed on these two happenstances in my life. The fourth wall is titled "being a preacher's kid".  My unreasonably high expectations of myself, and the expectations I think others have of me, are blamed on being a preacher's kid, a notorious preacher, and I was the piano kid put in the spotlight, which doubled the pressure of being perfect.  And to cap the four walls off with a roof, just to make sure I was real good and protected, I built a roof of cynicism, from a lifetime of failed friendships, romantic interests dissolved into smoke, men that used and abused me, a childhood church that rejected me, and a failed marriage recently added to the list.  
But guess what?  I don't need these walls and roof to protect me, to be my strength, to shield me from further hurt and tears.  I have all that I need inside me, because GOD Himself dwells within me!  What an amazing thought!  That means all the power, strength, courage, bravery, and grit of the universe is in me, therefore I don't need anything else.  Me and God, we make a fantastic team.  I am strong.  I am brave.  I am courageous.  I possess all that I need to be whole, healed, beautiful, full of love and peace.  So I no longer hold walls up around me.  When you see me, you see the real me, not the glimpse of me hiding behind some insecurity.  The real me holds her chin up high and her chest out, her eyes full of life and peace.  Because God goes before her, God is in her, God surrounds her.  And she is safe, secure, at ease.  She has found her resting place.

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