It's been 3 days since I buried Tammy Marie. It's been the most beautiful, heavenly three days I've ever lived. There is so much peace, joy, light, and love in my spirit, heart, and mind. It just floods me to the brim. I have no more fear, no more insecurity, no more guilt, no more self-hate. If this isn't freedom, I don't know what is. I feel like God married me!!
Yesterday we went to the fair to spend some rare time together as a family (Francisco, Dominick, Emmanuel, and I). We had a lot of fun and it was easy for me to be with Cisco because I no longer expect him to meet my needs or to measure up to some standard I think he should be at. I just accept him for who he is, and love him in that state. It's very liberating. But my back started really hurting after about 3 hours of walking around. I started shutting down and it was really frustrating for me to experience, after living in such bliss for 3 days. I talked to God about it all night. It really bothered me, and I couldn't sleep. I don't want ANYTHING to come between me and God. He is my everything and I don't want my ego to come back up out of her grave and choke the life out of me again. I asked God to show me what went wrong last night. He showed me how my weight and the side-effects of morbid obesity affect my spirit, and that in order to maintain a beautiful, whole, intimate relationship with Him and freedom in my soul, I need to be at peace within my body as well. Holiness and health DO go hand in hand. I know that's a debatable subject, but I'm living proof. So I'm asking for daily, hourly strength, courage, and perseverance to do my very best in my eating, exercising, sleeping, and maintaining this dear, sweet, precious temple of God. I know that God will give me the strength that I lack, and together we will achieve perfect health on every level. It's my greatest desire. To be whole in mind, body and spirit. ***