November 8, 2011
I haven’t journaled in a long time. I’ve been scared to face reality and what’s really going on inside me. I have been going through a major spiritual shift, and it’s nowhere near over. It’s only just begun. I have been numb spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically for a long time. Years really. It all started when I was in 2nd grade, around 7 years old. I have slowly been shutting down since then, and now I’m at a point I actually feel like I’m dying, and I’m desperate for an awakening, a healing, a new life where I can fully live and be the person I was meant to be from the beginning; pain-free, happy, at peace, centered, joyful, full of love, and goodness. I have been using a painkiller called food – namely sugar. Now I’m addicted. I’ve tried multiple times to quit and I just can’t get off it. I want to be clean. I want to be made whole. I want to be restored. The years that the hurt, pain, and fear have eaten, I want them to be given back to me.
Hierarchy of needs:
Positive Aspects of Me: cared for by God, determined, have a good heart, sweet and lovable, enjoy pleasing others, believe I can re-invent myself, I have a purpose, and I have a reason to be happy
Negative Aspects of Me: fearful, distrusting, insecure, feel used, hopeless, disillusioned, rejected
***It’s not about what happens in your life; it’s about how you internalize it.***
I’m really proud of myself. I haven’t had any refined sugar desserts or drinks for two days now. I’m sleeping better and waking up feeling better. The arthiritis-feeling in my feet is gone. I’m thinking a little clearer, and that dark cloomy cloud is now in the distance instead of enveloping me. I was really discouraged to see my weight yesterday- I’ve only weighed that much when I was pregnant. But it was another kick in the bum to get really serious about this. I need this for ME. I need to feel good for ME. I need to be happy for ME. BECAUSE I MATTER.
My I AM’S:
I matter. I am special. I am important. I have value. I am talented. I am courageous. I am strong. I am resilient. I am creative. I am sweet. I am smart. I am lovable. I am loving. I am infectious. I am inspiring. I am a leader. I am admired. I am intuitive. I am watchful. I am cautious. I am trusting. I am trustworthy. I am an amazing mom. I am a good cookie-maker. I am clean. I am tidy. I am organized. I am constantly growing. I love to learn. I am compassionate. I am empathetic. I am an encouragement. I am observant. I am passionate. I am a good lover. I am loyal. I am honest. I am moral. I am spiritual. I am supportive. I am warm. I am tender. I am hospitable. I am capable. I am nurturing. I am understanding. I am functional. I am capable of living my fullest potential.
What do I REALLY want??? …A peaceful life with my boys, financial stability, health, energy, and the ability to help others. That would make me the happiest, most content woman I could possibly be.
My Dream Life Script:
I love my life. I’m so blessed. I look in the mirror and smile at the strong, confident woman I am. I am a picture of health and energy. I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I love sharing my life with my companion. He’s my best friend, my confidante, my love, a great father and role model to our children. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me such a beautiful gift. I love my job. I’m so fulfilled helping others in need. I know what it’s like to be lonely, in pain, desperate for a way out. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a job where I can serve others and take care of my family doing so. What will I explore today? What new life experience will I have to collect with my other beautiful life experiences? If I die today, I will have no regrets. I know I have done well. My house is filled with dance, music, laughter, and love. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. I live in complete freedom- nobody chains me down with their own selfish expectations and negative agendas. My boys have developed for themselves a strong, independent, courageous, caring, giving, secure disposition. And I am proud, SO proud. We have enough money to meet our basic needs, help meet the needs of others, and a savings large enough to meet any emergency. We owe no man anything. I am free in every area of my life.
January 16, 2012
There is nothing left in my heart for Francisco. I am in mourning today. In the past, I always had hope things would get better because I was still attracted to him. Now that is gone, and there is nothing there. That grieves me because he’s finally doing things right and treating me better. But the heart does what it does. I can’t force myself to love him. I guess 3 years of misery and abuse was my breaking point. I dread telling him. I know it will break his heart. But he needs to understand why I’m so guarded. I just want to cry.
January 19, 2012
My health goals:
1. Clean body odor
2. Regular eliminations
3. Clear skin
4. free of toxins, fungi and accumulated waste
5. Improved eyesight
6. Improved hearing
7. No back, neck or joint pain
8. A sharp, clear mind
9. High energy levels
10. High, pure vibrations
11. Free of blood clotting disorder
12. Pain-free menstrual cycles
13. No more cravings for processed or unhealthy foods
14. A picture of vibrant health
15. A role model for my children
16. An inspiration to others
If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.
February 8, 2012
I kicked my self-defeating, self-hating, perfectionistic, criticizing demon to the curb last night. It’s been tripping me up and crippling me for years. Everything I want to be is nothing but love and peace. That means there’s no more room for self-hate and perfectionism. NO room at all. It had to go. J
February 9, 2012
All my life I have only wanted one thing- to love and be equally loved in return. Everything I did revolved around this one driving desire. My eagerness to please, my “eggshell” feelings, my lashing out at those who hurt me, my quick, irrational decisions to give myself away, the guilt I have carried, the self-hate… it all stems from this one desire.
I think this is why I resent Cisco so much. I gave him every part of me and he threw it back in my face. I can never forget how deeply that hurt ran in my spirit. But I must learn to give myself what I crave from others- unconditional, steady, devoted love. Perhaps then my shadows and haunting darkness will flee.
March 1, 2012
Had a meltdown Sunday. Didn’t want to come home. Sat night I had stayed at Cindy’s house. So I had a long talk with Pastor. He gave me some excellent advice- Never make a major decision during an emotional moment. I must be clear in my conscious at all times, and if an ultimatum comes, make the decision then. Don’t hesitate. During the conversation, I realized I had been punishing my husband for hurting me so much. I didn’t want to get hurt again. So I had built a wall to protect myself and hold him at arm’s length. That’s not what a Christian does. A Christian loves and forgives. It also uses wisdom and doesn’t allow abuse to dwell in its life. So I apologized to Cisco for punishing him. He apologized, too. Things have been peaceful for the last 3 days. He still drives me crazy, but I just love, forgive and let go.
March 7, 2012
I discovered yesterday that my root and scaral chakras are very broken, which results in all the negative side-effects I’ve been battling. It boils down to a rejection of my body because I believe it is inadequate, not good enough, and I have a constant sense of not belonging anywhere. I can clearly see how these two core issues stem back to my childhood- the verbal abuse from Mrs. Van Arnum and Mr. Archer, being overweight, hand-me-down clothes, deafness, not fitting in… I have been living a repressed life, separating my spirit from my body because I believed one was good and the other not. All the compliments and attention I hand over to my spirit and heart. If someone compliments my outward appearance, I always feel like they do it out of pity. No more!!! I’m going to break that mindset, with God’s help. Pastor says that GOD sees me as valuable, HE says I’m worthy. I need to see myself the same way. I am valuable. I am worthy. I am beautiful. Change my mind and heal me, Jesus.
March 12, 2012
Last night I discovered The Secret. It is clearly what’s been missing in my life. I have focused on my loneliness instead of rejoicing in the freedom that comes with singlehood. I have focused on how fat I am and how genetic it is, instead of looking at Julie and other skinny cousins, realizing I can be any size I want to be. I have focused on my husband’s failures instead of his strengths. I have focused on how much debt I have instead of how much potential I have to make excellent money because of my talents and intelligence. The world is limitless. God is limitless. I am limitless. There is no reason I cannot be everything I long to be- rich, successful, beautiful, loving and loved. I realize now I just need to fall in love with myself, and raise myself to be all I can be. I am already am. I LOVE ME!!! (just saying that brought peace and joy instantly…)
My study on Sugar:
· Sugar can decrease growth hormone (the key to staying youthful and lean)
· Sugar feeds cancer
· Sugar increases cholesterol
· Sugar can weaken eyesight
· Sugar can cause drowsiness and decreased activity in children
· Sugar can interfere with the absorption of protein
· Sugar causes food allergies
· Sugar contributes to diabetes
· Sugar can contribute to eczema in children
· Sugar can cause cardiovascular disease
· Sugar can impair the structure of DNA
· Sugar can cause hyperactivity, anxiety, difficult concentrating, and crankiness in children
· Sugar contributes to the reduction in defense against bacterial infection (infectious diseases)
· Sugar greatly assists the uncontrolled growth of Candida Albicans (yeast infections)
· Sugar contributes to osteoporosis
The Moment that Turns Your Values Upside Down
Before Quantum Shift:
Accumulation of Money Family
Sense of Adventure Sense of Independence (conflicts w 1st one)
Idea of Pleasure Fitting In
To Be Respected Attractiveness
After Quantum Shift:
Spirituality My Own Personal Growth (complete opposite)
Personal Peace Sense of Self-Esteem
God’s Will Happiness
Honesty with Others and Self Forgiveness
To open doors, allow yourself to live the four virtues: Reverence for all of life (Respect), Sincerity (Honesty), Gentleness (Kindness), and Supportiveness (Service to Others).
You don’t attract what you want. You attract who you are.
-from The Shift by Wayne Dyer
May 13, 2012
I have been living in a state of awareness for two months now, since I discovered The Secret. So much Truth, Light and Love has been revealed to me since I started practicing and living the Secret, the Magic, and the Power (the laws of Attraction, Gratitude, and Love). I have shed my old inner self nearly completely (Francisco still has ways of pulling the worst out in me, which I’m constantly addressing and adjusting). Now I feel 100% ready to let my outer shell go. I am no longer afraid of the after-effects. I am no longer afraid of failure. It’s simply time my body aligns with my spirit-happy, peaceful, healthy, whole and free. When I am in full alignment, the Universe will acknowledge it, and download blessings in every area and on every level of my life. I trust the Universe totally. I am finally free to be me.
July 8, 2012
I am exhausted, utterly, entirely worn out. I have been fighting against and running away from the most deepest, innermost hurts of my heart for so long now, and I’ve come to the end of my road. This path of hurt has come to a dead-end. There is nothing but open fields before me, regal mountains rising on both sides. Wildflowers as far as the eye can see, every color of the rainbow. I turn my back to this magnificent beauty and face the road I’ve well-traveled, reminiscing over all the battles won, demons faced, resentments released, forgiveness bestowed. The Hurt (big one) was finally confronted in its face two days ago. I’ve spent the last two days in mourning, it was such a painful wound to minister to, much less acknowledge. But I did, and I’m healed now. I can now start up a new road, forge a new, fresh path. I think there will always be a scar there. A raw wound of 28 years doesn’t disappear overnight. Or ever. But I have acknowledged it, stitched it up with forgiveness, rubbed the ointment of love into it, and walked away TALL. I know now my truth.
I used to beat myself down. Now I encourage and lift myself up.
I used to feel worthless. Now I feel worthy.
I used to expect perfection from myself and others. Now I accept, and laugh at, our humanity.
I used to binge mindlessly, numb to my feelings. Now I eat for the joy of it, and respect my body when it hits the full mark.
I used to compare myself to others and hate my differences. Now I compare myself and celebrate our differences.
I used to think I could do nothing right. Now I know I don’t have to do everything right- I just need to accept my best.
I used to feel unlovable. Now I know I am loved.
I used to think I wasn’t capable of achieving my dreams. Now I know I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.
June 16, 2012
Here it is half the year through, and I still haven’t lost weight. I have been my own worst enemy in this field. People think I don’t have any self-control, which royally pisses me off. I want to prove them wrong, but I haven’t known how to overcome my own personal hurdles. I’ve come a long ways in healing inwardly, recognizing my own value and worth, and learning to stand up for myself. But I’m still so very far away from all my dreams and goals, and I’m beyond frustrated. I’m kicking my own arse into gear out of anger and determination to get the life I know I want and deserve to have. I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I WILL achieve my dream life. I WILL live on purpose and meaningfully.
I will no longer waffle and dither about losing weight and sticking to a diet. I will no longer put off my own health and happiness. I will no longer cave to the pressures of society to eat and “blend in”. I will eat/drink my way to true happiness, and I will be proud of myself, no matter how much I stand out. I will no longer allow sugar to ruin my spirit by causing pain in my body. I am in control of my own self and I will no longer tolerate abuse of any sort. I am worthy, I am loved, I love myself, and I am beautiful. I WILL live meaningfully and on purpose.
All the images in my dream life gallery can only be enjoyed or obtained by being healthy and fit. The Steinway deserves a beautiful, graceful pianist. The Second Chance Retreat demands a leader who is in control of her own life and a prime example for others to follow. To be in a relationship with Lillian would require me to be on her level spiritually, physically and emotionally. To be an integral part of a community would require a healthy self-esteem and peace with myself. To be a dancer would require strength, fortitude, health and self-control. To have my dream home, cars, horses and money, I must prove to the Universe that I am capable of being responsible, disciplined, and balanced enough to have those blessings in my life. To have best friends that lift me up the same way I lift them up, I must be worthy first. To be in a meaningful, loving, supportive, healthy, romantic relationship, I must first love myself. To go to Italy, Bora Bora, Bali or India, I must be able to fit in an airplane seat, wear a bathing suit, walk tall and have the stamina, strength, health and energy to enjoy the journey. It all points back to my health. I MUST CONQUER HEALTH BEFORE I CAN ACHIEVE MY DREAM LIFE. It is the first crucial step.
So today I start. I will no longer put it off. I have already had sugar today, but I cannot change that. I can control what I eat tonight. I can control what I eat tomorrow. I can control the mindset I have RIGHT NOW. And I choose health now. I choose life now. I choose peace now. I choose God and I choose Me.
Woke up with the worst burning in my throat, like my dinner was eating the inside of me up, acid reflux maybe. I drank some water, ate some tums, drank some milk, nothing was working. So I gagged myself to get it out of my stomach. It was horrible. I hate gagging myself. I ate some more tums and brushed my teeth. I feel slightly better. It was either the hamburger or the bedtime wine, or a combo of both. Not sure. Whatever it is, I know this happens to me frequently. Especially when I eat late at night. Just another reason to start eating healthy and doing my body right.
Feel and act like a bitch today. Not being very nice. Drank some green juice for breakfast, a scrambled egg for dinner for energy to play at church, and lemon juice the rest of the day. Had a killer headache and knot in my back when I went to bed. Took 3 pain pills for it.
Didn’t eat anything today, just salt water and lemon juice. Pain levels very high. Major headache. It will blow over, I know. Took a hot bath. Saw a 700 lb woman on Dr. Phil’s show. HUGE incentive to stick to my plan!!!
I have been on the lemon juice diet for 1.5 weeks off and on. Some days I do real good on it. Other days I eat. The good part in all this is that I’m in control when I do eat. I don’t go crazy, on a binge, eating everything I see. That’s the good positive change. I do wish I could stick to the lemon juice diet 100% because the weight would come off so much faster. I wish I could figure out a way to do that….
Yesterday I binged. Funny how I wrote about not doing it, minutes before doing it. Didn’t realize it until after 8 cookies and 4 handfuls of chips, baked or not, they were still processed and loaded with artificialness. I put some serious thought into WHY I did that. I wanted to get to the bottom of my reason behind binging. I realized I was trying to comfort myself. Something really bothered me yesterday, along with being in a lot of back and neck pain (enough to make me cry)… and I dove into a movie and processed food. That’s my habit. I see it now. So now I need to find something else to turn to for comfort. In the middle of that thinking process last night, I remembered something Jethro told me last October. “Dance will be your ticket to freedom”. And it resonated deep within me. I knew it to be true. Dance is my alternative for comfort and joy. So I’m going to transform my living room into a dance studio and dance my heart out everyday and anytime I’m needing comfort. Watch out… This catapillar is fixing to break free of her cocoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 10th, 2012
I took my first energy pill the doctor prescribed to help me lose weight. Holy moly! I hadn’t felt that good since I was out of high school, in love with life and love and endless opportunities! I felt so ALIVE. I got SO MUCH done this morning. Major productive. And I was fun and forgiving and patient with my sons. Not at all the grouch I’ve been the past 3 years. I felt like Tammy was BAAAAAACK!!!
Then Cisco and I get in the car to go on our first date in months. My energy and joy didn’t last two minutes. He shot me down so fast and kept me shot down for the next 3 hours. I couldn’t wait to get home and lock myself up in the bathroom. Yes I get frustrated with our inability to communicate, but his anger and hatefulness and rudeness is not a language problem. It’s a heart problem, and all I want to do is protect myself from him. I value me now, and I refuse to let me drag me down to his level anymore. I need help.
July 11, 2012
According to The Power, when I give judgment and criticism, I give it to myself. When I give love and appreciation to another person or to anything, I give it to myself. This is the secret to having a loving relationship with Cisco. Yes he hurts me often with his words. Yes I get frustrated with his communication skills. But if I could stop focusing on that, its power in my life would start falling away. If I choose to ignore anything that makes me feel negative and focus on only the things that make me feel beautiful, good, kind, joyful, and peaceful, it will magnify and draw more of those things into my life. It’s all in what I choose to focus on.
Jesus, help me today to focus only on the positive, and ignore the negative. Help me to longer give power to that which I hate, but rather to lift up in me what I love- the fruits of the Spirit, the essence of God. It is within me. I simply need to magnify it and it only. Amen.
Things I Love
· The Aura music channel
· Leather furniture (SO easy to clean!)
· Candles, the warmth and ambience they add to a room
· Cherry red classic Ford convertible mustangs
· Lanterns – especially Morrocan lanterns
· Green living things
· The rosebushes at dad’s church
· Fresh live food (like pico de gallo or watermelon)
· Pottery Barn
· Lucky Brand and American Eagle
· The colors coral, deep red and fresca blue
· My baby boys
· Road trips with people I love
· Wrought iron
· Red front doors
· Rocking chairs on a front porch
· Golden retrievers
· Ragdoll kittens
· A beautiful pool and the way the sun shimmers the blue
· Mandevilla flower
· Snow-capped mountains
· A babbling brook
· Belly dancers
· Baby chicks and ducks
· Small friendly towns
· A clean house
· Horseback riding
· Dark chocolate
· Giving a massage
· Playing happy music at church
· A fireplace
· An old-timey ice cream shoppe
· Being tan
· A deep blue sky with white fluffy clouds
· A field of red poppies or wildflowers
· Maxi dresses
· Bora Bora
· Mediterranean culture
· Vivid sunsets
· Full moons
· Sun rays piercing through rain clouds
· Max Patch
· A rainy day snuggled in PJ’s, popcorn, hot chocolate and games with my favorite people
· Getting a pedicure
· Ocean otters
· Being in love
· Long deep hugs and slow wet kisses
· A glass of wine
· TV Channels So You Think You Can Dance & Dancing With The Stars
· Funny movies
· Clean, pure water
July 16, 2012
Last night I saw a woman on Extreme Makeover that reminded me a lot of ME. She realized that she escaped her feelings of abandonment and worthlessness by eating for comfort. And she had major control issues. Hmmm….. Sounds so familiar. I’ve learned so much about myself the past year, but I’m just now getting to the crux of the problem. When I’m faced with a personal challenge, I run away from it. I don’t take ownership or control of my own life. I just try to control everyone else’s. She did the exact same thing. I hadn’t really seen that before. I feel like this is my breakthrough. Taking personal responsibility for my own happiness will result in peace with myself, with other, and with God. Now I know what I need to do.
July 18, 2012
I have been in such avoidance since I saw that tv show 3 nights ago. No dieting at all. Eating when I’m not hungry. Excuse after excuse. Why the heck am I doing this to myself? Why do I keep procrastinating? This has gotten utterly ridiculous, and it has got to stop. I’m not taking control of my destiny, and I don’t understand why. What am I avoiding? Discomfort? Fear of failure? Fear of confrontation? Those are the most nonsense reasons to NOT lose weight. I have so much to gain by losing. Health, energy, no more back pain, self-esteem, confidence, nice clothes, sleep better, play better, love better, heck my entire life would transform into joy. I’m a fool to wait for all that. What am I not seeing????
I have encountered some new battles that I have had to focus on. Mainly Francisco and my relationship with him. Coming to a strength within that I’ve never experienced before. Recognizing my own worth and standing up for that. For ME. Last night, he started verbally beating me down, again, about something that happened a few weeks ago. I instantly recognized it for what it was, and walked away, said I don’t have to stand here and listen to this. As I walked away, he grabbed my collar. Last time he did that, he ended up physically hurting me, bad. I turned around, looked him in the eye, pointed my finger at him, and said don’t you dare even think about doing that. He made fun of me. I tried to shut my bathroom door (my bathroom and bedroom is my only place of escape). He stuck his foot in and the force of it made the doorjamb pop away from the wall. It instilled a deeper resolve to get away from him. I wasn’t really scared, but I wasn’t able to sleep with my back to the door, like I usually do. He apologized this morning, of course, and even attempted to fix the door. He acknowledged it wasn’t my fault, which he tried to blame me for last night, and admitted it was his. But the apologies aren’t cutting it anymore. I’m tired of waiting for his behavior to change. I love me and I love my boys too much to continue living in this type of environment. Stressful, tense, uneasy, nervous, on edge, cautious, … it’s no way to live. How can peace and joy dwell in all that??? I’m done. DONE. Done.
I have been in much prayer the last two months, focusing on God’s still small voice. I needed to get answers BAD. I was so tired of hitting that brick wall, that blockage within me that kept stopping me from moving forward. Over the past 2 months, I’ve gotten a clearer vision of who God created me to be, the essence of Freedom Dance. At first I felt like she was so unattainable. But over time, God showed me that He makes all paths straight, He makes all things possible, and He CANNOT fail. Then I realized that it was time for Tammy to die, to be buried, and allow Freedom Dance to burst forth and live. I created a list last night of all that embodies who Tammy has been, and a list of all that Freedom Dance is.
· In mourning
· Feels worthless
· A perfectionist, unable to accept flaws in myself or others
· A binge-eater
· Addicted to sugar and processed foods
· In constant pain
· Always feels like I can do nothing right
· I’m always wrong
· Not capable of achieving greatness
· Not heard
· A lover of all things beautiful
· A lover of Nature
· Is at peace
· Loves to find a quiet, still spot
· Laughs a lot-joyful
· Loves to have a good time
· Loves good food with a table surrounded by good friends and family
· A supportive, constant friend
· A true host to all who come to her
· In awe of God
· A stunning mom
· A healer with her hands
· Strong family values
· An amazing pianist
· Energetic, full of life
· Loves to be in love
· Passionately romantic
· Celebrates life in every moment, whether it’s through music, a hug, a massage, cooking, being outdoors, playing with the children, making love, cleaning house, or dancing, there is ALWAYS a celebration going on!!! J
Talked to Mom last night. Shared with her my journal (except for the darkest parts about the men)… She took it better than I thought she would. But she still doesn’t accept me as being right with God. She is in such a rigid, tight box and she can’t accept anything outside of it. It’s so sad. But I’ve finally accepted the fact that Mom doesn’t approve of me and the path to God that I am taking. I know she loves me in her own limited way, just like Cisco does. But neither relationship serves a purpose for me anymore. Mom cannot love me because I don’t fit her idea of a Christian. Francisco cannot love me as a husband because he is still in need of a mother, not a wife. In my heart, I release my mother and my husband from any responsibility to/for me. They are no longer required to meet my need for love or acceptance. I love and accept myself. God loves and accepts me. I have friends who love and accept me. I know I’m ok, and I’m finally free of blockages. There is no more brick wall. I am finally Freedom Dance. Now let’s go burn this journal and bury Tammy for good.